Friday's Funnies

Bank Name

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."

Answer To Prayer

My brother took his grandson deer hunting when he was small. He told him that they needed to say a prayer before they started and ask God to send the deer. After being on the deer stand for a couple of hours, his grandson looked over at him and said, "Paw-Paw, God just told me the deer aren't coming today, so we can go home now."

Why, Why, Why?

· Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? · Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
· Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
· Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
· Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
· Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
· Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
· Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
· Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
· Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock over something else?
· In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
· How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

School Daze

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Teamwork

Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"

The Gift

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

By Their Slogans Ye Shall Know Them

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."

You are a Lousy Cook if...

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than [ > ] and a less-than sign [ < ] on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"