Friday's Funnies

Senior Moments
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it - I'm the life of the party… even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years…SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now…by eating! bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I am having the time of my life!

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You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you?

They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

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Tooth fairy
After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes, I am.”

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute. How do you get into the other kids' houses?”

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Diapers
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

“I'm busy,” he said. “I'll do the next one.”

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”

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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!