Three Men
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!" "That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!" The third man shouted, "OH NO, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"
More Men
A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," he replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? To which the man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Two men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Creative
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Dog Jokes
What is a dog dentist’s favorite tooth?
The canine.
Who wears a
fur coat in the winter and pants in the summer?
My dog.
What is a
dog’s favorite song to listen to after a bath?
“Shake It
Off” by Taylor Swift.
Why did the
boy name his dog Ten Miles?
So he could
tell his gym teacher he walked Ten Miles every day.
What do you
call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
Why was the
dog such a good musician?
Because he
had perfect “pooch.”
What did the
dad say when his daughter asked, “Have you seen the dog bowl?”
“No. I
didn’t even know he could hold a bowling ball!”
Why did the
dog cross the road?
To get to
the barking lot.
Why is a dog
like a tree?
They both
have a bark.
Why was
everyone shocked that I let my pup drive my car?
They had
never seen a dog park before.
Why can’t
you tell a dog a knock-knock joke?
Because
every time she hears knocking, she won’t stop barking.
How can you
tell if your dog is lazy?
He only
chases parked cars.
Occupation
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."
More
Church Bulletin Bloopers
~ We will have a Super Bowel party this Sunday night. We will also have
our regular service
~ Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
~ The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will
light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light
each worshipper in the first pew.
~ Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.
~ Church sign: Jesus Saves! Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you
more!
~ The group of ladies called Moms, care and pray for the children in school.
When their meeting was cancelled one week: There will be no Moms who care this
week.
Dad
Joke
Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.
Today’s
Thought
The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way
more than it should.