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This Generation

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

Ambiguous

“He has a talent for turning simple tasks into large projects.”

 “An expert at delegating tasks to others”

“He’s very punctual; always arrives at work within an hour of his shift beginning.”

 “He excels at staying abreast of the office chatter.”

 

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

 

* "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting."

* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

 

* "Jon didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

* "Chad was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

* "Michael wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

Job Applicant

 

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

Erma Bombeck on Parenting

 

Grand parenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

 

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

 

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

 

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

 

Curious One-liners

 

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

 

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

 

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

 

Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor.

 

A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Dad Joke

 

I'm terrified of elevators and I'm taking steps to avoid them.

 

Today’s Thought

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Friday's Funnies

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Thank you, Stan

+++++

New Year’s Resolutions

2021: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2023: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2024: I will work out 3 days a week.

2025: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Age

If you're only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150?

 

Kind Neighbors

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

A Raise

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well," began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

Tooth Fairy

For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth.

 

A Super Fan

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

Final Exam

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."

 

The Perfect Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

My Last Boss

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

 

Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties -- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research -- It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Dad’s Joke

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2025 calendar! I'm dismayed!

Today’s Thought

My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne."

Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Easy New Year's Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses.

I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

 

Dreams

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Annoyed

Did you ever wonder, why a Gen X is always annoyed? Well, first, they had to ditch their vinyls for cassette tapes. Then, they had to swap those for CDs. And now? They're paying a monthly subscription just to hear the same songs they bought four times already!

 

Learning Languages

A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez-vous français?" he says. The two continue to stare, so the German tries again "Parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off. The first American says, "You know, we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" asks the other. "He knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

What Is Love?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age - 4

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" "I could not swim," my cousin replied. He got the job.

 

Dad Joke

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier. But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

 

Today’s Thought

This year went by so fast... I didn't even have time to lose weight.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Special

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

Santa is Smart

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

 

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Which Comes First?

All too often, Christmas is a race to see which gives out first — your money or your feet.

 

Christmas Funnies

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: "I am the ghost of Christmas presents!"

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn't the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

I Know

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

Self-Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

 

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift.

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this. 

Dad Joke

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

Today’s Thought

Judging by my December budget, I'll only be giving hugs for Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

Punctuation

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

 

Sack Of Chickens

There were two Congressmen walking toward each other down the street. One Congressman was carrying a sack. When they met up, the second Congressman asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The Congressman with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The second Congressman said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The first Congressman answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the second Congressman thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?" (and we keep electing them.)

Job Interview

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

Book Titles and Authors

Tight Situation by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! by Theresa Green

No! by Kurt Reply

Raising Mosquitos by I. Itch

Cliff Jumping by Hugo Furst

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

New Exercise Routine

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

 

Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. “It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."

You’re A Mom If.... 

·         You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·         You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·         You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·         You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·         There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·         The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·         You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·         Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

 

Dad Joke

Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?

Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push-ups.

Today’s Thought

My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving Reality

I suppose I will never know what pumpkin pie tastes like when you actually have room for it.

 

Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much At Thanksgiving

- Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

- You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

- You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

- Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

- You're sweatin' gravy.

 

Who Is Smarter?

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

Medicine

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?

Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I'd rather have the cough.

New Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad,” announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Airborne Recruiting

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."

Grandparents

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my granddaughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff.  It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa." "Exactly," I replied.

Birthday Greetings

Seen on a birthday card. Forget about the past. You can't change it. Forget about the future. You can't predict it.

Inside: Forget about the present. I didn't buy you one.

Vocation

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend. "He wants to be a garbage man," he replied. "That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age." "Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

 

Signs You're Getting Older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
4. Your children begin to look middle aged.
5. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
6. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
9. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
11. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
12. Your back goes out more than you do.
13. The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
14. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
15. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
16. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
18. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
19. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
20. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

Dad Joke

My family pleaded with me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't quit cold turkey.

 

Today’s Thought

If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.