Friday's Funnies

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Thank you, Stan

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New Year’s Resolutions

2021: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2023: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2024: I will work out 3 days a week.

2025: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Age

If you're only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150?

 

Kind Neighbors

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

A Raise

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well," began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

Tooth Fairy

For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth.

 

A Super Fan

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

Final Exam

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."

 

The Perfect Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

My Last Boss

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

 

Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties -- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research -- It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Dad’s Joke

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2025 calendar! I'm dismayed!

Today’s Thought

My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne."

Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Easy New Year's Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses.

I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

 

Dreams

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Annoyed

Did you ever wonder, why a Gen X is always annoyed? Well, first, they had to ditch their vinyls for cassette tapes. Then, they had to swap those for CDs. And now? They're paying a monthly subscription just to hear the same songs they bought four times already!

 

Learning Languages

A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez-vous français?" he says. The two continue to stare, so the German tries again "Parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off. The first American says, "You know, we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" asks the other. "He knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

What Is Love?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age - 4

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" "I could not swim," my cousin replied. He got the job.

 

Dad Joke

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier. But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

 

Today’s Thought

This year went by so fast... I didn't even have time to lose weight.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Special

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

Santa is Smart

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

 

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Which Comes First?

All too often, Christmas is a race to see which gives out first — your money or your feet.

 

Christmas Funnies

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: "I am the ghost of Christmas presents!"

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn't the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

I Know

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

Self-Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

 

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift.

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this. 

Dad Joke

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

Today’s Thought

Judging by my December budget, I'll only be giving hugs for Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

Punctuation

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

 

Sack Of Chickens

There were two Congressmen walking toward each other down the street. One Congressman was carrying a sack. When they met up, the second Congressman asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The Congressman with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The second Congressman said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The first Congressman answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the second Congressman thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?" (and we keep electing them.)

Job Interview

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

Book Titles and Authors

Tight Situation by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! by Theresa Green

No! by Kurt Reply

Raising Mosquitos by I. Itch

Cliff Jumping by Hugo Furst

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

New Exercise Routine

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

 

Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. “It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."

You’re A Mom If.... 

·         You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·         You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·         You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·         You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·         There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·         The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·         You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·         Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

 

Dad Joke

Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?

Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push-ups.

Today’s Thought

My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving Reality

I suppose I will never know what pumpkin pie tastes like when you actually have room for it.

 

Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much At Thanksgiving

- Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

- You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

- You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

- Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

- You're sweatin' gravy.

 

Who Is Smarter?

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

Medicine

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?

Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I'd rather have the cough.

New Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad,” announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Airborne Recruiting

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."

Grandparents

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my granddaughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff.  It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa." "Exactly," I replied.

Birthday Greetings

Seen on a birthday card. Forget about the past. You can't change it. Forget about the future. You can't predict it.

Inside: Forget about the present. I didn't buy you one.

Vocation

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend. "He wants to be a garbage man," he replied. "That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age." "Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

 

Signs You're Getting Older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
4. Your children begin to look middle aged.
5. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
6. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
9. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
11. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
12. Your back goes out more than you do.
13. The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
14. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
15. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
16. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
18. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
19. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
20. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

Dad Joke

My family pleaded with me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't quit cold turkey.

 

Today’s Thought

If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.

Friday's Funnies (Thanksgiving)

 Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Pumpkin Pie

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift.  As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note.  It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.  Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

Corny Thanksgiving Jokes

 

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Thankfulness

 

There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that I'm not a turkey.

 

Thanksgiving One-Liners

 

What did the turkey say to the computer?

Google, google, google!

 

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?

Pil-grimace.

 

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?

Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream.

 

What sound does a limping turkey make?

Wobble, wobble!

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

 

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick.

 

When is the turkey soup bad for your health?

When you are the turkey.

 

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

They use fowl language

 

What do you call a running turkey?

Fast food.

 

Today's Thought

 

If Pilgrims were still alive, what would they be known for? Their age.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Three Men

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!" "That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!" The third man shouted, "OH NO, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

 

More Men

A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," he replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? To which the man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Two men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

Creative

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Dog Jokes

What is a dog dentist’s favorite tooth?

The canine.

 

Who wears a fur coat in the winter and pants in the summer?

My dog.

 

What is a dog’s favorite song to listen to after a bath?

“Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift.

 

Why did the boy name his dog Ten Miles?

So he could tell his gym teacher he walked Ten Miles every day.

 

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

 

Why was the dog such a good musician?

Because he had perfect “pooch.”

 

What did the dad say when his daughter asked, “Have you seen the dog bowl?”

“No. I didn’t even know he could hold a bowling ball!”

 

Why did the dog cross the road?

To get to the barking lot.

 

Why is a dog like a tree?

They both have a bark.

 

Why was everyone shocked that I let my pup drive my car?

They had never seen a dog park before.

 

Why can’t you tell a dog a knock-knock joke?

Because every time she hears knocking, she won’t stop barking.

 

How can you tell if your dog is lazy?

He only chases parked cars.

 

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

 

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ We will have a Super Bowel party this Sunday night.  We will also have our regular service

~ Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

~ The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

~ Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.

~ Church sign: Jesus Saves! Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

~ The group of ladies called Moms, care and pray for the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one week: There will be no Moms who care this week.

Dad Joke

Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.

 

Today’s Thought

The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.