Friday's Funnies

 October Decorations

It's finally October, which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

 

Please God

A man once said to God, "What's a million years to you?" And God said, "A second." Then the man said to God, "What's a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A penny." So the man said to God, "Would you give me a penny?" God stopped and said, "Yes I will, just a second."

 

The Great Question

A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a minister were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road. The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road? The Shaolin monk said it's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path. The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself. The minister said it's because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule. Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."

Wills Explained

I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: "Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?" After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

Ten Commandments for Seniors

1.      Talk to yourself. There are times when you need expert advice.

2.      "In style" are the clothes that still fit.

3.      You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

4.      Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5.      The biggest lie you tell yourself is: "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6.      "On time" is when you get there.

7.      You've noticed people your age is much older than you.

8.      Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

9.      You still haven't learned to act your age, and I hope you never will.

10.  "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

 

Netflix Era Kids

Netflix era kids will never know the adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/ bedroom in a single ad break with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming "It's ONNNNNN" to send you hurtling over furniture to get back in time.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only 38!)

 

3. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

4. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

5. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

6. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Promotions

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Chad," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"  "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Dad Joke         

The other day I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

 

Today’s Thought

I'm a kid at heart and a senior citizen in the knees, hips & back.

Friday's Funnies

 Gas Prices

I was robbed at the gas station today! I called the police, and they asked if I knew who did it? I said yes, pump #6.

 

New Mother Instructions

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple," he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Broke

A woman's husband died. He had $100,000 to his name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend asked, "$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?" The widow replied, "Three carats."

 

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"

 

Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips, and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...

 

Quotes from Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well, that should cheer them up.

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, that they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.

Diet Buddies

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Jury Decision

The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict. After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner. Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?" Foreman: "Insanity, sir." Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"

Suba Divers

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Travel

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die. - Mark Twain

A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car. - Emile Ganest

I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. - Bob Hope

Dad Joke

I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Today’s Thought

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

Friday's Funnies

Waiter

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my food with your hand all over it!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Just Saying 

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

 1. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!" I'll probably never put on lipstick again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper goodbye.

 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me a happy birthday. He asked how old I was, and I told him, "72." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

Funny Kids

- My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?"
Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

- 7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

- My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

What Makes You So Smart

A customer at Gene's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?" "Fish heads," says Gene. "You eat enough of them; you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Gene. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Gene," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Gene. "You're smarter already."

 

Reality 

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do?

 

Lantern Trial

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Ten Songs for People Over 40

9. Let's Get a Physical
8. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
7. Johnny B. Olde
6. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
5. The Lack O' Motion
4. Hair Potion Number Nine
3. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

Parrot Dream Fulfilled

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Dad Joke

My company is better at making sunscreen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!

Today's Thought

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

Friday's Funnies

 Getting Wife’s Attention

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

 

Qualified Accountant

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director. The chief executive thought that one candidate, Chad, seemed ideal. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Chad also had a master's degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques. "Chad," said the chief executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you $120,000 a year." "Thank you," replied Chad. "But how much is that per month?"

 

Carpenters

Janice had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen. One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."

Erma Bombeck Quotes

-          Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

-          When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

-          If I had my life to live over, I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

-          If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

-          All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

-          Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

-          It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

-          I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

-          I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

-          Never have more children than you have car windows.

-          For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

 

New Baby Coming

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

Wealthy Socialite

The wealthy socialite Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran assistant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years."

Things You Need To Know If You Move To The South

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

4. Onced and Twiced are words.

5. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

6. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

7. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

8. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

9. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

10. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

11. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

12. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

13. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

14. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

15. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

18. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.

19. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

20. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

21. You know what a hissy fit is..

22. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

23. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.

25. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Dad Joke

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.

Friday Funnies

 Car Needs Repair

Jill's car was unreliable, and she kept telling her husband John about it, but it would always seem fine when he would drive it. So, he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.

John: "Hi honey."

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"

John: "What!? Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me..."

Old Friends

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. "Then another day I dropped my finger on another word, and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Names

Mom, why is my brother named Michael?

Because your father loves Formula One.

Thanks, mom

No worries Nikon.

 

Educator Funnies

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.

Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.

Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a midterm report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

Yep

I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know for sure that Dad has no idea what's inside.

 

Professionalism Test

Read out loud: 

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat 

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading.

Today’s Thought

If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

Friday's Funnies

 Puzzled

Jon pulled in the Popeye’s drive thru, and since he wasn’t too hungry, he just ordered a kid’s combo with a chicken leg. The lady on the speaker asked, “which side”? Puzzled a bit by the question, Jon responded “the left side, I guess, does it make a difference?” After a big, hearty laugh, she said “I mean, do you want fries or mashed potatoes”!

 

Looking For Help

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"

Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."

Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

 

Sunday School

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

 

Dogless

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Educators Dictionary

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Coverage-based instruction - Instruction based on the idea that what is taught is much more important than what is learned.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

Hyper-critical thinking - Higher level thinking evidenced by such questions as, "What kind of a haircut is that?!" And, "Why do we have to do this stupid assignment?!"

Interconversations - The office conversations you overhear when someone forgets to turn off the intercom after an announcement.

Dispute

There's a labor dispute at my office. The boss wants me to do some.

 

Long-winded Visiting Minister

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

 

Obviously

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

 

Happy Childhood

On admission to the nursing home where I worked, each new resident was interviewed by a social worker. During one session, an alert, twinkling-eyed, 96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?" "So far, so good!" he replied.

Dad Joke

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Didn't jog.

2023: Didn't jog.

2024: Still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

 

Today’s Thought

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.

Friday's Funnies

 Tip Of The Day

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

Good News

I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all of your passwords." I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a pen."

 

Observation

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Conclusion

My granddad always said, "When one door closes, another door opens." Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

Aging

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there were cute.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good, and the wine selection was good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

Fitness

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" I said, "Diddly."

 

Birthday Wish

Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
Kid: "I'd like a little brother."
Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?"
Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Baseball Funnies

 

Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ballpark?
A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.

True Meaning

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor. " P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Dad Joke

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

 

Today’s Thought

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.