Puns of the Weak
It's been said that anyone can become president of the United States. Jefferson did it. Nixon did it. Truman did it. Apparently, any Tom, Dick, and Harry can be president! (Richard Lederer)
How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make
one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. Answer: One Word
A friend's daughter, Callie, had enrolled in a Spanish class taught by a
Hispanic teacher. "I'm not familiar with that name," he said.
"Does it start with a K?" She replied, "C." Ever since, he
has spelled her name "Kallie."
Never Married
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married. He replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "It turns out she was looking for the perfect man."
Pets
Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.
Conan O'Brien Quotes
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana
taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, "Duh."
Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace
exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch
flavor.
Mistakes from actual resumes
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." "I'm a rabid typist."
SPECIAL REQUESTS:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed, and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
Doctor’s Orders
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your
excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
Not Working
Ate a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints cookies. Didn't get thinner. I don't think
they work.
Final Exam
The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."
Math Pun
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.
Dad Joke
It's true that exercise helps with decision making. I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.
Today’s Thought
A tree's way of getting even is a paper cut.