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This Generation

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

Ambiguous

“He has a talent for turning simple tasks into large projects.”

 “An expert at delegating tasks to others”

“He’s very punctual; always arrives at work within an hour of his shift beginning.”

 “He excels at staying abreast of the office chatter.”

 

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

 

* "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting."

* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

 

* "Jon didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

* "Chad was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

* "Michael wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

Job Applicant

 

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

Erma Bombeck on Parenting

 

Grand parenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

 

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

 

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

 

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

 

Curious One-liners

 

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

 

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

 

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

 

Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor.

 

A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Dad Joke

 

I'm terrified of elevators and I'm taking steps to avoid them.

 

Today’s Thought

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.