Friday's Funnies

After Christmas

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Q&A

Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
     A: The letter "D"!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
     A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Dream

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"  "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.  At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.   There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Wacky Warning Labels

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."

A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

A snowblower warns, "Do not use snowthrower on roof."

A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, "Not intended for highway use."

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

A bathroom heater says, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes."

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns, "Caution - Risk of Fire."

DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

New Year’s Resolutions

The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.

- Anonymous

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

- Greg Tamblyn

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

- Greg Tamblyn

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

- Bill Vaughan

Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.

- Greg Tamblyn

Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???

- Jake Vig

Today’s Thoughts

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Friday's Funnies

Ways to Annoy Your Roommate During Christmas

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")

~ Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

Three Wishes

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Bethlehem

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?"  A student replied, "Because his mother was there."

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

The Night Before Christmas in Texas

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know, Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue, A'dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds, For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night, There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun, A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was whistling and shouting with a will, The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right", There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight.

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red, Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think? And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl, TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Today’s Thought

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

Friday's Funnies

After Thanksgiving Exercise Program

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this holiday season. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

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NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. We trust you survived!!

You Know You Are Living in 2016 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

  

I'm So Tough

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."  "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."  "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!"

Evidence

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."  The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

A Lot Of Good That Did!

I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.  Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"

Maitre D’

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and two Africans all walk into a fine restaurant.  "I'm sorry," says the maitre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai… "

Today’s Thought

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

One day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale Black Friday.

Black Friday = The Day People Spend Money They Don't Have On Things They Don't Need.

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!

How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal? Don't worry they'll let you know.

What flies faster than items off the rack on Black Friday? Credit card payment slips!

Why do Americans go shopping on Black Friday? They are thankful they survived Thanksgiving's feast.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? It matches the mood of all those unhappy bloated shoppers.

What I've Learned

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed. The room erupted in laughter.

So That's How It Works

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture. A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

New Surgical Techniques

A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Truths

·         Some minds are like concrete — all mixed up and permanently set.

·         Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·         The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.

The Soup

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

Home Schooling

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.

Today’s Thought

If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be up to.

Friday's Funnies

Say What?

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Old Is...

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.

Birthdaze

~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old....

..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.

..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors

..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"

Daffynitions

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

Driven to Distraction

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.  A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.  Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.  As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

Seems Fair

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back." The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Today’s Thought

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children - if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrows

Friday's Funnies

Witty Quotes About Elections

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

6. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

7. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

Genie

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand.  A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”  "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”  "Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”  "You are a crafty little jerk," said the genie.

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

What an Answer

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all since it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.

Q: Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A: Tomorrow

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half.

Q: What gets wet with drying ?
A: A towel.

Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A: Because it is too tired.

Aging

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because it was handicapped accessible.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before...

Today’s Thought

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

Friday's Funnies

You are probably…

If you can start the day without caffeine, if you are always cheerful, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you, if you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you face the world without lies and deceit, then you are probably the family dog!

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.” 

Air-head

An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."  The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Camouflage

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.  After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning."  "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."   The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.  "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Statistically Verifiable

Research shows that 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

For All You Lexophiles (lovers of words) 

~ A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Today’s Thought

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.