The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
+++++
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Fun - Annoying
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
+++++
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were they and he said on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car.
+++++
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG
- No one expects you to take a bath every day.
- If it itches, you can scratch it.
- There's no such thing as bad food.
- A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
- If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
- You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
- You're always excited to see the same people.
- Having big feet is considered an asset.
- Puppy love can last.
+++++
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Funnies for 10/12/07
BUILDING FUND
The pastor stood up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new building program! The bad news is that it's still out there in your pockets."
PREACHER PARKING
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
SERVICE FOR ONE
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up. After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today." The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em." This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought. The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much ‘bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
LIKE GOD
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, honey, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
+++++
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
+++++
THE MYSTERIES OF "ENGLISH "
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so .... Time to shut UP!
Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P
The pastor stood up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new building program! The bad news is that it's still out there in your pockets."
PREACHER PARKING
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
SERVICE FOR ONE
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up. After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today." The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em." This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought. The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much ‘bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
LIKE GOD
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, honey, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
+++++
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
+++++
THE MYSTERIES OF "ENGLISH "
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so .... Time to shut UP!
Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P
Friday, October 5, 2007
Funnies for 10/5/07
THE TICKET
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
HISTORIC CHURCH
While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more. The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here, too!"
THE REQUEST
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I'm requesting!"
CARD NAME
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and No, for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," she said, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."
+++++
6 reasons not to mess with children:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ----------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
----------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
----------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
----------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
HISTORIC CHURCH
While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more. The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here, too!"
THE REQUEST
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I'm requesting!"
CARD NAME
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and No, for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," she said, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."
+++++
6 reasons not to mess with children:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ----------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
----------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
----------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
----------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Friday, September 28, 2007
Funnies for 9/28/07
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
+++++
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $250,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed.
There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death!"
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week. I am a Baptist and, I tithe (scroll down)
MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!"
+++++
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
+++++
LETTER FROM AN OKLAHOMA FARM KID
(NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Svenson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches’, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake - I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice Gasman
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
+++++
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $250,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed.
There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death!"
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week. I am a Baptist and, I tithe (scroll down)
MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!"
+++++
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
+++++
LETTER FROM AN OKLAHOMA FARM KID
(NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Svenson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches’, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake - I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice Gasman
Friday, September 21, 2007
Funnies for 9/21/07
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend....
+++++
RIPE OLD AGE
Grandma decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
QUARTET
A Gospel Quartet had just finished singing at a church in Tennessee. The baritone and bass singer were seen standing at the base of the flagpole near the front of the church, looking up. The tenor walked by and asked what they were doing. "The Pastor asked us if we could measure the height of the flagpole," said the bass, "but we don't have a ladder." The tenor took a wrench from the bus, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. He then took a tape measure from his pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The bass singer shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Tenor? We ask for the height and he gives us the length."
TIRED....
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool iced tea and a comforting word. "Goodness, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
PLEASE....
Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A radio station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
+++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend....
+++++
RIPE OLD AGE
Grandma decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
QUARTET
A Gospel Quartet had just finished singing at a church in Tennessee. The baritone and bass singer were seen standing at the base of the flagpole near the front of the church, looking up. The tenor walked by and asked what they were doing. "The Pastor asked us if we could measure the height of the flagpole," said the bass, "but we don't have a ladder." The tenor took a wrench from the bus, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. He then took a tape measure from his pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The bass singer shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Tenor? We ask for the height and he gives us the length."
TIRED....
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool iced tea and a comforting word. "Goodness, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
PLEASE....
Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A radio station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
+++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Funnies for 9/14/07
On a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says. "You have to get up and go to church", says mother. "No, I'm not." says the son. "Yes you are", says the mother. "No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go."
"Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
+++++
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy!
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...
+++++
A man walks into a store and asks: "In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says; "Are you Polish"?
The man (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ... But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? ... Would you?
The clerk says, "Well, no! I probably wouldn't"!
With great indignation, the man then asked; "Well, then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied; ... "Because, Sir, you're at Home Depot."
+++++
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
+++++
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
+++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says. "You have to get up and go to church", says mother. "No, I'm not." says the son. "Yes you are", says the mother. "No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go."
"Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
+++++
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy!
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...
+++++
A man walks into a store and asks: "In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says; "Are you Polish"?
The man (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ... But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? ... Would you?
The clerk says, "Well, no! I probably wouldn't"!
With great indignation, the man then asked; "Well, then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied; ... "Because, Sir, you're at Home Depot."
+++++
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
+++++
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
+++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Friday, September 7, 2007
Funnies for 9/7/07
Working people frequently ask 'retired people' what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08”… I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
+++++
In a small conservative Midwestern town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!
+++++
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
+++++
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. "Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
+++++
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
+++++
LIFE'S UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS
When they invented the internet, why did they decide to use "www" when every other letter of the alphabet is just one syllable and much easier to say?
Why do our parents get so much smarter as we get older?
Why is it so important to a Mac user to convince me that his computer is better than mine?
Why do we have answers to our friend's problems and not our own?
Why do Sundays fly by and Mondays last forever?
What is it about car keys and remote controls that make them so hard to find?
+++++
In a small conservative Midwestern town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!
+++++
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
+++++
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. "Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
+++++
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
+++++
LIFE'S UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS
When they invented the internet, why did they decide to use "www" when every other letter of the alphabet is just one syllable and much easier to say?
Why do our parents get so much smarter as we get older?
Why is it so important to a Mac user to convince me that his computer is better than mine?
Why do we have answers to our friend's problems and not our own?
Why do Sundays fly by and Mondays last forever?
What is it about car keys and remote controls that make them so hard to find?
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