Funnies for 9/14/07

On a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.

"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says. "You have to get up and go to church", says mother. "No, I'm not." says the son. "Yes you are", says the mother. "No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go."

"Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"

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After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

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Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy!

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...

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A man walks into a store and asks: "In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says; "Are you Polish"?

The man (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ... But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? ... Would you?

The clerk says, "Well, no! I probably wouldn't"!

With great indignation, the man then asked; "Well, then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied; ... "Because, Sir, you're at Home Depot."

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."