Friday's Funnies

That’s Not My Job

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The Consultation


"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you know all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"


Hand Signals

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”  The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”  “A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive isn’t it?”  “It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

Money’s worth

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?? That's expensive!

Dentist: Okay, I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Outdoorsman

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."  Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"  "No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

I have contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.  After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”  “Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.  “Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Choosing a Pet

A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been getting good grades at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. He went to the local pet shop to see what they had.  He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.  Do you know why?  It was a little cheeper!

Alabama

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, pants $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe , Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there pants at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from North Alabama , ain' t ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that? "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

At the doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, “I need to get your weight today.”  I immediately replied, “One hour and 5 minutes.”

Telephone call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  “Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”  “Wrong number…” replied the girl.  

Friday's Funnies

Mixed Message

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter. It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

The Educated One

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No — Door! Trust me. I went to college."

Tired

A neighbor said to me, "Steve, you look tired." "I am," I said. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups." "Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?" "Well, I did the first one in 1986."

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
John

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn’t rain.

Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Grandma

Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Grandma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"

Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"

Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. “

SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

~ You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.

~ You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.

~ The church bus is a mini-van that carries seven passengers.

~ Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.

~ Offering is taken up only once a month.

~ Youth group age goes to 30.

~ Senior Adults age start at 40.

~ Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.

~ There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.

~ Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Recall?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Friday's Funnies

Computer Repair

Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used. "My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer science." "So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled. The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

The Bequest

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Marriage one-liners

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Password

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that her password had to be ‘at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital’…

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh

The Garden

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cain and Abel when the boys were young. Cain and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

Food chain

After discussing the “food chain” with my fifth grade class, I told them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: “Burger King is my favorite food chain.”

Barking dog

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the backyard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking, Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. “My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbor explained. “If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she’ll leave.”

Friday's Funnies

Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be Immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. Don't tell me to exercise!

Anniversary Flowers

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fact of Life

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

Just A Note

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

Liturgical Tradition

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit." But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you." One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!" Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks. “Oh, about 165.” he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?” “Oh, about six feet,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high. “High!” The man explains, “Of course it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”

Running away

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked. “Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child. “And what if you run out of money?” “I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to university.”

Getting the Children Ready

During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats. And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag. Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle. “Honey,” he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We’ll be late!” “Here,” his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn.”

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Friday's Funnies

Sharing

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Making Hay

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Rev'rund," the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Diet Plans

I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, I just switched from using my old shower body wash to using Dawn dish soap, instead. Its label clearly reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

That Explains It

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Snoop

My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

Church Jokes

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Medical student wisdom

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Double bumper

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he actually did it again. “I’m so embarrassed,” he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone. “Why not tell him it was me this time?” his wife suggested. “I could,” he said while dialing, “but that’s what I told him last time.”

T-Shirt Slogans

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.

Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Friday's Funnies

In a Perfect World...

• A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
• You could give away a baby bed without then getting pregnant.
• Forget-me-nots would actually stimulate the memory.
• Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
• Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
• People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
• You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
• The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
• Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
• If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
• First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance.
• Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
• All people could expect to be accepted.
• Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
• Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
• The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
• Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

Extra Blessing

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore. Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked. The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Unexpected Sayings

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive more than once.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Confucious Say...

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

A Window Funny

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass. One said to the other, "Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you."

Blond Joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick… "

CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Acronyms

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

Friday's Funnies

It was so hot...

• All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
• The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
• I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
• Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.
• Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to, "Just pour and eat."
• Some dairy farmers are finding that their dairy cows are producing powdered milk. Don't be surprised if milk cartons in the stores soon display this label: 2% milk, 98% air.
• I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.
• I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
• You eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

How Dry Is It?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

He Knows

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "What's the matter, Philip?" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

A Surgeon Funny

Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Jury duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

The History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

braham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or ‘eBay’ as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth! (And not one mention of Al Gore.)