Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
+++++
"Your fortune"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
+++++
Gift Registry
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Forgive Our Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
+++++
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
+++++
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
+++++
Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said, with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
+++++
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
+++++
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
+++++
Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said, with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
+++++
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
Friday, March 14, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Best of friends"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor.
After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."
+++++
"Exercise insights"
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
+++++
"Cats for sale"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
+++++
"You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....."
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
+++++
"At the library"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly."
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on "Fear factor."
+++++
"Make $$$$ fast"
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor.
After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."
+++++
"Exercise insights"
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
+++++
"Cats for sale"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
+++++
"You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....."
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
+++++
"At the library"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly."
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on "Fear factor."
+++++
"Make $$$$ fast"
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Friday's Funnies
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
+++++
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
+++++
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
+++++
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
+++++
Consider The Source
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert by the name of Arnie was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said. "Why not?" he was asked. "Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'" He paused. "Did that save time?" one of the executives asked. "Actually, yes," Arnie replied. "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in just seven minutes."
Success
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
The Shoplifter
This 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
+++++
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
+++++
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
+++++
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
+++++
Consider The Source
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert by the name of Arnie was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said. "Why not?" he was asked. "Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'" He paused. "Did that save time?" one of the executives asked. "Actually, yes," Arnie replied. "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in just seven minutes."
Success
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
The Shoplifter
This 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Medical Exam
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations." Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!" Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."
Fitness Class
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises." The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?" "Twenty-six," I replied.
Hearing Aid
Wally goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Wally slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Wally, what you want me to pray about?" Wally says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts his right finger in Wally's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Wally's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Wally, how's your hearing now?" Wally says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
+++++
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
+++++
A blonde and her husband have been in bed listening to their next door neighbor's dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
Finally, the blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,"I put the dog in our backyard. Now let's see how THEY like it."
+++++
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have
carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations." Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!" Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."
Fitness Class
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises." The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?" "Twenty-six," I replied.
Hearing Aid
Wally goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Wally slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Wally, what you want me to pray about?" Wally says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts his right finger in Wally's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Wally's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Wally, how's your hearing now?" Wally says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
+++++
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
+++++
A blonde and her husband have been in bed listening to their next door neighbor's dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
Finally, the blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,"I put the dog in our backyard. Now let's see how THEY like it."
+++++
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have
carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Error messages"
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
+++++
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
+++++
"Garden of Eden"
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
+++++
"Flattered"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++
"Perfect Golf Shot "
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
+++++
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
+++++
"Garden of Eden"
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
+++++
"Flattered"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++
"Perfect Golf Shot "
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."
Funnies for February 15, 2008
The Valentine Sprit
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
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