Friday's Funnies

 I've moved Friday's Funnies to MailChimp. If you want to continue receiving them, please email me at FridaysFunnies@gmail.com. Thank you!

Reply by email if you would like to continue receiving Friday's Funnies

This is the last time I will be posting on this blog. If you would like to continue receiving Friday's Funnies, please hit reply and give me your email address. Thanks!

This Generation

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

Ambiguous

“He has a talent for turning simple tasks into large projects.”

 “An expert at delegating tasks to others”

“He’s very punctual; always arrives at work within an hour of his shift beginning.”

 “He excels at staying abreast of the office chatter.”

 

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

 

* "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting."

* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

 

* "Jon didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

* "Chad was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

* "Michael wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

Job Applicant

 

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

Erma Bombeck on Parenting

 

Grand parenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

 

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

 

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

 

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

 

Curious One-liners

 

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

 

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

 

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

 

Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor.

 

A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Dad Joke

 

I'm terrified of elevators and I'm taking steps to avoid them.

 

Today’s Thought

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Friday's Funnies

IMPORTANT: Posting Friday's Funnies on this site will end this month. If you want to continue receiving them, sign up for my weekly Friday's Funnies newsletter.

http://eepurl.com/h9FUaz

Thank you, Stan

+++++

New Year’s Resolutions

2021: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2023: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2024: I will work out 3 days a week.

2025: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Age

If you're only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150?

 

Kind Neighbors

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

A Raise

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well," began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

Tooth Fairy

For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth.

 

A Super Fan

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

Final Exam

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."

 

The Perfect Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

My Last Boss

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

 

Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties -- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research -- It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Dad’s Joke

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2025 calendar! I'm dismayed!

Today’s Thought

My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne."