Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Easy New Year's Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses.

I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

 

Dreams

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Annoyed

Did you ever wonder, why a Gen X is always annoyed? Well, first, they had to ditch their vinyls for cassette tapes. Then, they had to swap those for CDs. And now? They're paying a monthly subscription just to hear the same songs they bought four times already!

 

Learning Languages

A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez-vous français?" he says. The two continue to stare, so the German tries again "Parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off. The first American says, "You know, we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" asks the other. "He knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

What Is Love?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age - 4

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" "I could not swim," my cousin replied. He got the job.

 

Dad Joke

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier. But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

 

Today’s Thought

This year went by so fast... I didn't even have time to lose weight.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Special

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

Santa is Smart

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

 

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Which Comes First?

All too often, Christmas is a race to see which gives out first — your money or your feet.

 

Christmas Funnies

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: "I am the ghost of Christmas presents!"

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn't the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

I Know

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

Self-Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

 

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift.

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this. 

Dad Joke

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

Today’s Thought

Judging by my December budget, I'll only be giving hugs for Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

Punctuation

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

 

Sack Of Chickens

There were two Congressmen walking toward each other down the street. One Congressman was carrying a sack. When they met up, the second Congressman asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The Congressman with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The second Congressman said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The first Congressman answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the second Congressman thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?" (and we keep electing them.)

Job Interview

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

Book Titles and Authors

Tight Situation by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! by Theresa Green

No! by Kurt Reply

Raising Mosquitos by I. Itch

Cliff Jumping by Hugo Furst

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

New Exercise Routine

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

 

Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. “It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."

You’re A Mom If.... 

·         You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·         You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·         You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·         You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·         There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·         The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·         You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·         Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

 

Dad Joke

Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?

Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push-ups.

Today’s Thought

My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.