October Decorations
It's finally October, which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.
Please God
A man once said to God, "What's a million years to you?" And God said, "A second." Then the man said to God, "What's a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A penny." So the man said to God, "Would you give me a penny?" God stopped and said, "Yes I will, just a second."
The Great Question
A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a minister were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road. The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road? The Shaolin monk said it's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path. The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself. The minister said it's because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule. Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."
Wills Explained
I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: "Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?" After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."
Ten Commandments for Seniors
1. Talk to yourself. There are
times when you need expert advice.
2. "In style" are the
clothes that still fit.
3. You don't need anger
management. You need people to stop irritating you.
4. Your people skills are just
fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie you tell
yourself is: "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
6. "On time" is when
you get there.
7. You've noticed people your
age is much older than you.
8. Ageing has slowed you down,
but it hasn't shut you up.
9. You still haven't learned to
act your age, and I hope you never will.
10. "One for the road"
means peeing before you leave the house.
Netflix Era Kids
Netflix era kids will never know the adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/ bedroom in a single ad break with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming "It's ONNNNNN" to send you hurtling over furniture to get back in time.
How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents
1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"
he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one --
it says I'm only 38!)
3. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her
cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make
babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change
'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
4. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman
came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct
him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a
child."
5. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No,"
said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."
6. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want
her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her
back to the airport."
Promotions
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Chad," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
Dad Joke
The other day I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever
had.
Today’s Thought
I'm a kid at heart and a senior citizen in the knees, hips & back.
