Friday's Funnies

Puns of the Weak

It's been said that anyone can become president of the United States. Jefferson did it. Nixon did it. Truman did it. Apparently, any Tom, Dick, and Harry can be president! (Richard Lederer)

How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. Answer: One Word

A friend's daughter, Callie, had enrolled in a Spanish class taught by a Hispanic teacher. "I'm not familiar with that name," he said. "Does it start with a K?" She replied, "C." Ever since, he has spelled her name "Kallie."

Never Married

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married. He replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "It turns out she was looking for the perfect man."

Pets

Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.

Conan O'Brien Quotes

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, "Duh."

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Mistakes from actual resumes

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." "I'm a rabid typist."

SPECIAL REQUESTS:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed, and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

Doctor’s Orders

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Not Working

Ate a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints cookies. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work.

Final Exam

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."

Math Pun

A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.

Dad Joke

It's true that exercise helps with decision making. I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.

Today’s Thought

A tree's way of getting even is a paper cut.

Friday's Funnies

 October Decorations

It's finally October, which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

 

Please God

A man once said to God, "What's a million years to you?" And God said, "A second." Then the man said to God, "What's a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A penny." So the man said to God, "Would you give me a penny?" God stopped and said, "Yes I will, just a second."

 

The Great Question

A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a minister were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road. The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road? The Shaolin monk said it's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path. The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself. The minister said it's because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule. Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."

Wills Explained

I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: "Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?" After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

Ten Commandments for Seniors

1.      Talk to yourself. There are times when you need expert advice.

2.      "In style" are the clothes that still fit.

3.      You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

4.      Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5.      The biggest lie you tell yourself is: "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6.      "On time" is when you get there.

7.      You've noticed people your age is much older than you.

8.      Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

9.      You still haven't learned to act your age, and I hope you never will.

10.  "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

 

Netflix Era Kids

Netflix era kids will never know the adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/ bedroom in a single ad break with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming "It's ONNNNNN" to send you hurtling over furniture to get back in time.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only 38!)

 

3. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

4. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

5. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

6. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Promotions

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Chad," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"  "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Dad Joke         

The other day I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

 

Today’s Thought

I'm a kid at heart and a senior citizen in the knees, hips & back.

Friday's Funnies

 Gas Prices

I was robbed at the gas station today! I called the police, and they asked if I knew who did it? I said yes, pump #6.

 

New Mother Instructions

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple," he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Broke

A woman's husband died. He had $100,000 to his name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend asked, "$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?" The widow replied, "Three carats."

 

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"

 

Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips, and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...

 

Quotes from Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well, that should cheer them up.

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, that they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.

Diet Buddies

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Jury Decision

The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict. After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner. Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?" Foreman: "Insanity, sir." Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"

Suba Divers

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Travel

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die. - Mark Twain

A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car. - Emile Ganest

I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. - Bob Hope

Dad Joke

I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Today’s Thought

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.