Friday's Funnies

 Leap Day Groaners

- What do athletes wear on Leap Day? Jumpsuits.

- Where do most people eat on Leap Day? IHOP.
- What do kids play on Leap Day? Hop-scotch.
- What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day? Hop in.
- What does a lawyer do on Leap Day? Jump to conclusions.
- What does a butterfly do on Leap Day? Jump out of his own skin.
- How do you know it's almost Leap Day? When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
- What does a captain do on Leap Day? Jump ship.
- What did the pastor say to all the sinners on February 29th? Take a leap of faith.
- I wasn't going to celebrate Leap Day, but I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

In A Hurry

This morning, I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home!

 

Grandma Reading Her Bible

Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. "Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?" he asked. "I'm not sure," said his friend, "but I think she's cramming for finals."

 

Don't Hurt Me

Me: (sobbing, eyes swollen, nose red) I can't see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up! You did one sit up.

Updated Employee Handbook - Effective Immediately...

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $600 Prada sneakers and carrying a $1200 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. If you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,
The Management

 

Dad Joke

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."

Today’s Thought

Join the two-day challenge: No coffee on February 30 and 31.