Friday's Funnies

 Housework-Challenged Husband

 

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "DENVER BRONCOS."

 

A Letter To God

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

Tactful

 

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends. A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

 

Reality

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

 

Keyboard Shortcuts

 

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

 

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

 

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

 

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

 

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

 

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

 

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

 

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

 

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

 

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

 

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

 

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

 

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

 

The Carburetor

 

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

 

Opinions

 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

 

Police

 

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.  'It sure is,' I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

 

Elderly

 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 

School

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

 

Dad Joke

 

 Today I saw a robber breaking into his own house. I guess he was working from home. 

 

Today’s Thought

 

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up...that's a squat, right?

Friday's Funnies

 A Tribute to Moms – Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Things Moms Would Probably Never Say

 

~ "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

~ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

~ "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery."

~ "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

~ "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

~ "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

~ "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

~ "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve."

~ "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

Starts With M

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

 

Ketchup

 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.

 

What Mom Really Wants

 

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about gas.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.

Corn on the Cobb

 

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

 

Light Confusion

 

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

 

That's Amazing!

 

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

 

Kids Being Kids

 

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys with water, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks angrily. "We were just playing 'church’, Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

 

Today’s Thought

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Friday's Funnies

 Reality

 

My heart says pie and ice cream, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

 

Job Hopping

 

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company that prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premises, so I left.

After that I went to work for a demolition company. I got fired for breaking the cardinal rule of demolitions: Make sure you get the address right.

So I tried acting. I auditioned for the role of Hamlet, but it was not to be.

Finally, I got a job as a department store Santa, but they caught me drinking on the job, so they gave me the ol' heave ho ho ho.

Mixed Emotions

 

One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said.

Kids Are Hilarious

 

10yo: "I just read that you have fingertips, but not toe tips, yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger."

Me: "It's 6 am."

 

7yo: "Can we have candy for dinner?"

Mom: "Why would that ever be OK?"

7yo: "Because you're tired and don't feel like cooking."

Someone's been watching me more closely than she should.

 

Dad: "Did you brush your teeth?"

8yo: "I don't need to."

Dad: "Why not?"

8yo: "Yesterday, I brushed them twice."

 

11yo: "I should get my allowance from when I was away at camp."

Mom: *raises an eyebrow*

11yo: "What, so now you won't support paid leave?"

 

My son said, "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

 

Happy

 

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?

A: An in-dentured servant.

 

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?

A: Lucky.

 

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

 

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?

A. A dirty double crosser.

 

Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?

A. It wanted to lay it on the line.

 

Q. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A. Kids don't eat broccoli.

 

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A trash truck.

 

Q: What did the digital watch say to the alarm clock?

A: Look, mom! No hands!

 

Q: What is a fisherman paid?

A: The net profits.

 

Q: What's a kangaroo's favorite year?

A: A leap year.

 

Dad Joke

 

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering.

 

Today's Thought

Which letter is silent in "scent" -- the C or the S?