Fertilizer
A farmer was
driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in
front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your
truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are
you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on
strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live
here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on
ours."
English
Class
Teacher: What is
a synonym?
Student: A
synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other.
Getting
Old
You're getting
old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go
along.
The
Best Guide
A local hunting
guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the
mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you
were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am!," he
said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."
One Liners
1. When one door
closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison
2. I had my
patience tested. I'm negative.
3. I run like the
winded.
4. When I ask for
directions, please don't use words like "east."
5. My luck is
like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Farmer
A man is driving
down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge
field of wheat. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man
gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah
excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I'm
trying to win a Nobel Prize.” "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well,
I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their
field."
Paper
Walls
As a young
married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the
military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls
were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when
one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the
telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give
this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her
hands. "He's been yelling for it for
15 minutes!"
Catholic
Gasoline
Sister Mary, who
worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just
a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a
patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she
was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As
she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning
Catholic."
Blonde
Joke
A blonde tried to
sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car
had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked
with at a salon.
Her friend told
her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not
legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only
I can sell the car." "Okay," said the blonde's friend.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell
him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following
weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that,
the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied
the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
City
Preacher
Having grown up
just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until,
that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I
had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my
first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard. With my wife sitting
in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my
wife."
Substitute
A young seminary
student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the
regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the
young man to substitute for the regular minister. The young preacher started
his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a
window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole --
that's a substitute." After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to
compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said:
"You were no substitute. You were a real pane."
Dad
Joke
If you ever want
to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.
Today’s
Thought
My new year's
resolution is to read more. So, I've
permanently turned on the TV subtitles.
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