Friday's Funnies

 Adam Talking To His Sons

 

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

Fewer Calories

 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

 

When I Was Your Age

 

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

 

Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.

Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it.

Daughter: I don't understand any of that.

 

Grammar

 

Looking to comfort a friend of mine who struggles with grammar, I patted her arm gently and said, "There, they're, their."

 

Proposal

 

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept."

 

Name Badge

 

A local pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'shepherd of the sheep'...but you know you people better than I do."

 

Californians

 

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

- Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

- You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

- You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

- A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

- Gas costs $2.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

- Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

- It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

- You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells phones.

- It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather- related accidents.

- Both you AND your dog have therapists.

Long Sermon

 

It was a very long and boring sermon. As one parishioner left the church, he said: "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled: "Really? Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."

 

Expectations

 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

 

Dad Joke

 

Jon went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

 

Today’s Thought

 

My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about it.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Granny's Visit

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!" His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?" The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Appointment

 

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang. "Doctor," the caller said, "I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?" "Sorry," replied the dentist, "but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon."

 

Income

 

“Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

 

Part Number

 

A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."

 

The Cool Invention

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom...what's this?" "Oh...that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either." she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Did He Get the Job?

Interviewer:  "You have no experience in this field - and yet you're asking for a rather high salary."
Applicant:  "Sure, because work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

The Veteran

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?" "No champ, I never did." "That's a good thing." "You're telling me," said Grandpa, "I was the cook!"

 

Road Test

 

As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the inspector. At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could. The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."

 

Sunday School

 

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

 

Analogies and Metaphors

 

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

·         John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

·         He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

·         Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

·         Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

·         The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

·         The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

·         He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

·         The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

·         It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

·         He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

·         Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

·         She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

·         It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

Flat

 

Me: My tire's making a whistling sound.

Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.

Me: More like an F sharp.

 

Dad Joke

 

I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Friday's Funnies

Fertilizer

 

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

 

English Class

 

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other.

 

Getting Old

 

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

 

The Best Guide

 

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

One Liners

 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison

2. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

3. I run like the winded.

4. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

5. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

Farmer

 

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of wheat. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.” "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

 

Paper Walls

 

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for

15 minutes!"

 

Catholic Gasoline

 

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

 

Blonde Joke

 

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon.

Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

 

City Preacher

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard. With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Substitute

 

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister. The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute." After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."

 

Dad Joke

 

If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

 

Today’s Thought

 

My new year's resolution is to read more.  So, I've permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

 

 

Friday's Funnies

 Top Ten Innovations Being Developed for 2022

 

10. Gluten-Free Face Masks

9. Chia Personal Bubble

8. Body-Scrubbing Drone

7. Socially-Distanced Murder Hornets

6. Morgan Freeman's Voice Modulator for all Politicians

5. Zoom's Electric Shock 'Reminder' that You're still on Mute

4. Retro pull-start TV remote

3. Cobblestone roads replaced with leftover fruitcake

2. Tween Yoda

1. New game show, "Wheel of Fauci"

 

Other College Football Bowl Games

 

With the college football bowl season almost over, it seems like they have more bowl games than ever. Yet there are still those out there complaining that they deserve to be in a bowl game. Well, here's a list of some bowls that should satisfy the needs for all those "deserving" teams.

Can't Believe We Made It To A Bowl
They'll Let Anybody Play Bowl
Everyone's A Winner Bowl
Private Sector Does It Better Bowl
Don't Leave Any Team Behind Bowl
We Tried But We Couldn't Do It Bowl
We're On A Roll Bowl
How Did We Get Here Bowl
We Don't Know How To Play Bowl
Back To The Basics Bowl
Arm Chair Quarterback Bowl
Couch Potato Bowl
Kangaroo Bowl
Last Chance Bowl
Bottom Of The Bowl

 

New Year’s Resolutions

 

1. Never  slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 

8. There are three kinds of men: 

        The ones that learn by reading. 

        The few who learn by observation. 

        The rest of them have to touch the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

New Year’s Resolutions – past and present

 

2018: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2019: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2020: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2021: I will work out 3 days a week.

2022: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

Distressed Money

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

New Federal Employee

 

As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found:

"Ethics: Coming Soon!"

 

Coffee

 

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee. Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster. I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.