Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

 

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

 

10. Hey! There's a gift.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.

The Cat's New Year Resolutions

 

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

 

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

 

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

 

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

 

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

 

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

 

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

 

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

 

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

 

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

 

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

 

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

 

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

 

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

 

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

 

Best Puns of the Year

 

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do."

 

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit-forming.

 

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

 

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back cheerfully, "Socks!"

 

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

 

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double-take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

 

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

 

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

Q. Where does Santa stay when he’s on a vacation?
A. At a ho-ho-ho-tel.

Q. Why is it always so cold during Christmas?
A. Because it is Decembrrrrrrrr.

Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?
A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.”

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast food?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered.

Q. Who is Santa’s male favorite singer?
A. Elf-is Presley.

Q. Who’s Santa’s favorite female pop star?
A. Beyon-sleigh

Q. What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A. A rebel without a Claus.

Q. How does Santa remember all the fireplaces he’s visited?
A. He keeps a log.

Q. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A. Because they always drop their needles.

Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?
A. Ida-ho-ho-ho

 

Nativity Painting

 

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

 

Christmas, Did You Know?

1. Where do the elves go to the toilet in the north pole? The igloo.

2. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much? Because the present’s beneath them.

3. Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!

4. Did you hear that Santa Claus used to learn karate? He has a black belt!

5. What do the little shark kids call the Santa who delivers presents to them? Santa Jaws!

6. What would you call a reindeer that has an obnoxious personality? Rude-olph.

7. What did the beaver say when it saw the Christmas tree? It said, “Nice gnawing you.”

8. What’s the best Christmas gift for someone who has everything? A burglar alarm.

9. Why don’t the reindeers like to go to picnics? That’s mainly because of their ant-lures.

10. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.

 

Christmas Cookie Rules

 

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

 

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

 

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free (see rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

 

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

 

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

 

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

 

7. Cookies eaten while watching "A Christmas Story" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

 

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes caloric leakage.

 

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

 

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.

 

For All The Kids Out There

 

A snowman, eating dessert, was asked by the waitress how he liked the carrot cake. He replied, "It tastes like boogers."

 

Dad Joke

 

A couple is walking through St. Petersburg Square in Russia on Christmas Eve when they start to feel something wet fall upon their faces. “I think it’s raining,” says the man. “No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. “How about we ask this Communist officer here? He’s always right!” the man insists. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Fun Fact

 

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

 

Reindeer Gender

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen.... had to be a female. We should've known this when they were able to find their way.

 

It’s The Thought

 

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

 

The Perfect Couple

 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect." One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

 

Audition

 

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor." "You mean right next to the baritones," I asked? "No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir."

 

How To Tell If You’re A Grinch

 

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

 

2. You steal light bulbs from your neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

 

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

 

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.=)

 

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

 

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

 

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

 

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points)

 

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

 

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

 

--------------------

 

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

 

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

 

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

 

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has arrived.

 

Dad Joke

 

Elf: "Santa, we've finished making mints for every child."

Santa: "Mints?"

Elf: "Yeah, you said make Altoids."

Santa: "I said make all toys."

Elf: "Altoids!"

Santa: "All toys."

Elf: "Well this is a disappoint-mint."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Honesty

 

A police office came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten."

 

Student Answers

 

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Texas." The teacher said, "That is right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?" A little boy raised his hand and said, "Montana." The teacher said, "That's right, you get an A. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "That's easy! Washington D.C."

 

Anti-Drug Message

 

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

 

Praying

 

Mom: "Johnny, it's your turn to say Grace before dinner."

Johnny: "But Mom -- if I thank God for broccoli, won't he know I'm lying?"

 

Rules For Frequent Fliers

 

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Makes Me Sick

 

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.

 

Which one would you choose?

 

You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she's about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The man / woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first. Or you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him / her back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream love again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Secret Of Marriage

 

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other...the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Bathroom Scale

 

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!" "Why not?" asked the sibling. "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

 

Dad Joke

 

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

 

Today’s Thought

 

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

 

Friday's Funnies

 UK Thanksgiving

 

An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September." "Why then?" "That's when they left."

Payment

 

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Smart Kid

 

Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Engine Failure

 

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

A Letter from My Grandfather

I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE! Isn’t Florida great?

More Light Bulb Jokes

 

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
While this topic is of great importance, we will resume this discussion at our next meeting.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's out? Sell my stock in light bulbs now!

How many union plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Union plumbers don't change light bulbs; union electricians change light bulbs.

All I Need To Know I Learned On The Cattle Range

 

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
- The ones who learn by reading,
- The few who learn by observation, and
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Reality

 

I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.

 

What An Engineer Says (And What It Means)

 

-          A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.)

-          We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

-          Major technological breakthrough. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

-          Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

-          Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

-          Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

-          The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

-          It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

-          We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

-          Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

-          Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!)

-          Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)

 

Dad Joke

 

I was walking past a farm and a sign said “Duck, eggs!” I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Education is important but ice cream is importanter.