Friday's Funnies

Just Why?

 

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?

 

Who Am I

 

A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

 

Aging

 

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Haha, you think that's bad? Watch this."

 

Frustration

 

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?" "No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says the dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. "No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again." "That's aggravation," says Dad. "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

Interview

 

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"  "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that was during office hours."

 

Running Away From Home

 

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

 

Cat T-Shirts

 

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws: this is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

Jet Pilot vs Airline Pilot

 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?" The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

Three Wishes

 

A young kid found an old lamp. As always the lamp was rubbed and a genie appeared granting 3 wishes.

Genie: I will grant you three wishes!

Kid: I wish math didn't exist.

Genie: DONE! You have no more wishes.

 

Trial

 

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded. "No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him." "And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge. "I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me." "Guilty," snapped the judge.  "Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant. "Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Jon once worked at a Chicago pizza shop to get by. He kneaded the dough.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Don’t annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.