Friday's Funnies

 

Taxes

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

 

Marriage Advice

 

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me! The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

 

Cheerful Giver

 

A little girl went to church.  She had a dollar and a quarter in her shiny little Sunday purse. When the collection plate came around, she dropped in her quarter. Later she explained to her mother: "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."

 

Coffee

 

You know what wakes you up faster than coffee? Spilled coffee.

 

Spring

 

How excited was the gardener about spring?

So excited he wet his plants.

Does February like March?

No, but April May.

When do monkeys fall from the sky?

During APE-ril showers.

What do you get when two plants kiss?

Tulips!

What goes up when the rain goes down?

Umbrellas.

What falls but never gets hurt?

The rain!

What did the tree say to spring?

What a re-leaf!

What did the dirt say to the rain?

If this keeps up my name will be mud.

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?

Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.

 

Stepping Out?

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Show and Tell

 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.

Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class
The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said,
"My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 

Transparent

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us are called to help make up the whole picture of life (the family of God). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

 

Can’t Swim

 

Scientists on a research vessel were astonished to find out that the boat's captain, although fully trained and licensed, had never learned to swim. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

 

Puns

 

-          A man dressed up as a baby horse, and made a complete foal of himself.

-          I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

-          I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it.

-          I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

-          The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

-          Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.

Dad Joke

 

Nowadays, Lance is not a common name. But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

 

Today’s Though

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.