Friday's Funnies

 

The Scale

 

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!" "Why not?" asked the sibling. "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

 

Phone Book

I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

 

The Mind of a Ten-Year-Old

 

Trying to impress upon his son how technology has changed things, the father said "Timmy, name one important thing we have now that we didn't have twelve years ago."  Without hesitation Timmy said, "That's easy, me!"

 

One-Liners

 

·         Apparently, you can't use 'beefstew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.

·         You're having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist's office that says, "No pain, no gain."

·         I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

·         Nothing tops a plain pizza.

·         If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

·         My son wants to study burrowing rodents. I told him to gopher it.

·         Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.

·         Lego Store re-opens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

·         I pulled a muscle digging for gold. Just a miner injury.

·         I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!

·         Tonight I’m having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. I found himalayan on the road.

·         Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?  The meat ball.

·         I felt sick when I didn't get toast with my breakfast.  It turns out I'm lack-toast intolerant.

·         Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

·         What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.

 

Redneck Ten Commandments

 

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

What A Hoot

Each evening, bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl; and one night, an owl called back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.  "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.  "That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does my husband."

How Things Have Changed

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Just Take It Slow

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two chipmunks. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Wisdom

·         It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

·         If all is not lost, just where is it?

·         Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.

·         To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal them from many is research.

·         A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

·         I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.

·         It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

 

Goat for Dinner

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.  "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"  "Yep,"said the youngster.

"I heard Dad say to Mom, "Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner." 

 

Dad Joke

 

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.