Friday's Funnies

2020 Struggle

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Names

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

Concerned Neighbor

A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.  So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Williams is."  A few minutes later, the boy returns.  "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.  "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.  "At me? Whatever for?"  "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Williams told me it's none of your business how old she is."

10 Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Insert Foot In Mouth

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.  "The front row please," she answered.  "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered.

Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."  The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."  A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"  The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."  "OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi. 

Murphy’s Technology Laws

~ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~ All's well that ends.

~ A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

~ New systems generate new problems.

~ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

~ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

~ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

~ After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

~ Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

~ If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

~ Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

~ Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Just You Wait 

Our five-year-old grandson, Jimmy, launched himself off the end of neighbor's porch. This resulted in a split forehead, a fractured left arm and bruises on his stomach and both of his knees. After returning from the hospital emergency room, his mom asked him what he had learned about jumping off porches. "I can't do it again," Jimmy replied, "until the cast comes off."

Pithy Ponderations

·         I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it's still as stupid as ever.

·         Did you know that 97% of the world is dumb? Luckily, I'm in the other 5%!

·         Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

·         Alarm clocks are maybe the only device that make you mad in both scenarios, whether they work or not.

·         A father is a guy who has photos in his wallet where his money used to be.

·         How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole boxful to start a campfire?

·         Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Pull Over!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

Today’s Thought

Sleeping late is considered lazy, but waking up early and taking an afternoon nap is fine.