Friday's Funnies

Characteristics Of The Lite Church (everything you always wanted in a church and less)

7. Guaranteed 30-minute sermon or your next one's free!

6. Your choice of only 8 commandments

5. Only happy hymns and choruses

4. Fewer commitments

3. No messages on subjects that hit too close to home

2. Reclining pews with pillow pads and head rests

1. Offering followed by a complimentary beverage and after service mint

Detroit

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Chevy, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Buick."  "Really? What did he get?"  "Fifteen years for theft."

Wise Professor

A professor gathered the papers after a test and found a $100 bill attached to one of them with a note saying: "A dollar per point." When the professor returned the graded tests, the student got $64 change.

Bored

I'm bored. I think I'll go to the mall, find a parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

Social Worker

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts was transferred to the plains of Oklahoma. She was on her first tour of her new territory, when she came across the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. She was intrigued by the size and the quaintness of the little cabin, so she went up and knocked on the door.  “Anybody home?” she asked. A kid’s voice came through the door, “Yep.” “Is your father there?” “Pa, no, he left afore Ma was in.” “Well, is your mother there?” Ma? Nope, she left afore I got here.”  The social worker was thinking it over and thought that this could be a situation that might warrant intervention. She said, “But, are you never together as a family? The kid answered through the door again, “Sure we are, but not here. Are you kidding? In the outhouse!”

Idea

If you answer the phone with, “Hello? You’re on the air!” most telemarketers will hang up.

The Plan

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Say It Out Loud

What do you call the wife of a hippie? (And where does she live?) Mrs. Hippie.

What did they call the knight who retreated from the battle? Sir Render.

Why did Jesus use Splenda? Every believer knows He had no Equal.

Oh, No!

An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He's tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat. Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight! He rushes out to his vehicle — but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

Puns

~ Without geometry, life is pointless.

~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).

~ In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"  "Thanks," said the employee.  "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"  "Uuuh ... Thanks, Dad?"

Today’s Thought

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.