Friday's Funnies

Directions

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to the next town?" The local, scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," said the stranger. "Well, that's the quickest way."

Marriage

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

The Town was So Small ...

-        The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

-        Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.

-        McDonald's only has one Golden Arch.

-        The phone book has only one page.

-        The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

-        The New Year's baby was born in October.

-        The ZIP code is a fraction.

-        The city limit signs are both on the same post.

-        Second Street is in the next town over.

-        There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

-        A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

-        The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

The Water Hole

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."  "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Breakfast

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.  "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."  "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.  "You mean I'd have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.  "Yep" stated the waitress.  "I'll take the special," my wife replied. "How do you want your eggs?"  "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home.

More Unimportant Facts

-        Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

-        Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

-        The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

-        The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

-        The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

-        There are more chickens than people in the world.

-        Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

New Vicar

The new vicar at a city center church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift and when he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.  However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it. The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."

Insured Voice

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."  There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.  Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

Groaner: Upon This Rock

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her, he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.  "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

When Husbands Grocery Shop

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.  Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Today’s Thought

My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

Friday's Funnies

Falling Temperature

WCBS Newsradio880 anchor on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC Tuesday:
"Someone said, 'The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper.'"

Golfer Pacing

A nurse noticed a golfer pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat was bring treated.  "Is he a relative of yours?" she asked.  "No," said the golfer. "It's my ball."

Airhead Thinking

An airhead calls to order a pizza.  The clerk asks, "Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?"  The airhead answers, "Oh just six - I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!"

Scrimping and Saving

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."  "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Still Smiling

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

War Stories

Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, "There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn't know what to do." "Well, what did you do?" another asked. "When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!"

Contacts

A man was driving down the street when an officer stopped him. He said, "May I see your driver's license? Hmmm... This says that you should be wearing glasses." The driver replied, "I have contacts." The officer said, "I don't care who you know, I'm still going to give you a ticket."

50+

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds find eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".

Chessmaster

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: Wow, he must be very smart!
Me: Not really. I beat him two games out of three.

Obit Writing

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"

The Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Front Row

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.  The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.  "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.   "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said.  "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

Today’s Thought

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Friday's Funnies

Test Results

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.  The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

If The Person Who Named Walkie Talkies Named Everything:

Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumblebee - Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test - Maybe Baby

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

Yes, sir!

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"  Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"  "Yes, sir!" came the reply.  "Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.  "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?  He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Fisherman's Ode

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.  The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.  The other fisherman was amazed and stated, "I didn't know you were that religious."  The other looked at him and said, "Least I could do -- we've been married 42 years!"

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

If Dogs Wrote Letters To God...

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: How come there's so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

Prescription For Weight Loss

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.  "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Top 10 Signs You're Over the Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9. Sunburns are out, hot flashes are in.

10. You forget that you already had your 50th birthday.

The Greeting

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

It's What She Heard

A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma. The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 11pm," he said. The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

Today’s Thought

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're likely built upside down.

Friday's Funnies

Housecleaning

An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Sermon Choice

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.  The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"  "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Obesity

Did you hear about that study that says obesity might be caused by a virus? Tomorrow I think I'll stay home from work and just call in fat.

Students

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.  He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.  Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.  "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.  Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."  "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

Our Country

The teacher was explaining to her 2nd grade class the significance of Memorial Day, and they were preparing some songs and stories to put on a little show for their parents. At one point the teacher pointed to the American flag and asked, "Does anyone know what flag this is?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country!" "Very good!" the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" Confidently, the girl said, "Tis of thee."

Good Analogy

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.  "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"  "No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Refrigerator Girl

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks.  "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.  "Is it working?" her daughter asks.  "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

Telling Tails

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do. He replied calmly, "Get the cat and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart." She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "they are the world's largest retailer."

Baby Thoughts

What your baby would tell you if he or she could talk:

·        There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

·        I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

·        I've told you twenty times what a duck says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

·        There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

·        I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass and testing wind velocity.

·        If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

·        Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

·        If my bottom is so cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

Waiting

Doctor:  Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse:  No change yet.

McDonald’s

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."  From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Dude Ranch

A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.  The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.  He told her one had a horn and one didn't.  She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Today’s Thought

Etc.: An abbreviation to make others think you know more than you actually do.