Impressed
I called a friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment." I was impressed... Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
Wisdom of Solomon
Six housewives living in the same apartment building fell into a dispute of such magnitude that it resulted in their being hauled into court. When the case was called, they all made a concerted rush for the bench; and reaching it, all broke into bitter complaints at the same moment. The judge sat momentarily stunned as charges and counter-charges filled the air. Suddenly he rapped for order. When quiet had been restored, the patient magistrate said gently, "Now, I'll hear the oldest first." Silence. Case dismissed.
Quiet Time
It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew. Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked. But when we stopped for lunch, I unthinkingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full." Finally he said quite seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."
The Perfect Response
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" she asked. My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
Beautiful Name Tag
Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful." "Is that really your name?" I asked her. "No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."
The New Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good grief! He's Pentecostal!
The New Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good grief! He's Pentecostal!
Punny
Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: What do whale's like to chew?
A: Blubber gum.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?
A: Mouse-tard.
Q: What is a little's dog's favorite drink?
A: Pupsi-cola.
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: What do whale's like to chew?
A: Blubber gum.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?
A: Mouse-tard.
Q: What is a little's dog's favorite drink?
A: Pupsi-cola.
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Today’s Thought
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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