Friday Funnies

Please Log On

I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius".  After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.  She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."  There's one in every crowd.

Late

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn't arrive until 5 hours later.  "How is it?" he asked entering the house.  "Not so bad," replied the home owner. "While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught my wife how to swim."

Grandpa's Manners

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

Horse Breeder

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered, but as she got older she became very temperamental.  He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.  He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.  He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Silent Burglar

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.  "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.  "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

You Might Be A College Student If...

..you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
..you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
..you get more e-mail than snail mail.
..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
..your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (e.g., Olympic Dream Team).
..your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
..you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
..you go to Target/Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.

..you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
..you wake up 10 minutes before class.
..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
..your breakfast consists of a Coke on the way to class.
..your social life consists of a date with the library.
..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
..you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class.
..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
..you celebrate when you find a quarter.
..your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
..you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
..you get more sleep in class than in your room.
..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.

Interview

The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman.  His first question is: "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?" The applicant replies, "The slightest noise wakes me up."

Only Two Parachutes

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.  The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.  The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!"

Warning Signs That You Need A New Doctor

* The patient before you was a goat.
* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* He has an assistant named Igor.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
* He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
* You can beat him in a game of Operation.
* All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

Today’s Thought

He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

Friday's Funnies

Impressed

I called a friend and asked what he was doing.  He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."  I was impressed...  Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Wisdom of Solomon

Six housewives living in the same apartment building fell into a dispute of such magnitude that it resulted in their being hauled into court. When the case was called, they all made a concerted rush for the bench; and reaching it, all broke into bitter complaints at the same moment. The judge sat momentarily stunned as charges and counter-charges filled the air. Suddenly he rapped for order. When quiet had been restored, the patient magistrate said gently, "Now, I'll hear the oldest first." Silence. Case dismissed.

Quiet Time

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew. Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked. But when we stopped for lunch, I unthinkingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full." Finally he said quite seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."

The Perfect Response

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" she asked. My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

Beautiful Name Tag

Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."  "Is that really your name?" I asked her.  "No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

The New Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good grief! He's Pentecostal!

Punny

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: What do whale's like to chew?
A: Blubber gum.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?
A: Mouse-tard.

Q: What is a little's dog's favorite drink?
A: Pupsi-cola.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"  And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Today’s Thought

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Friday's Funnies

Skydiving

A man decided to try skydiving. The instructor was telling the class that the main chute should be deployed at 500 feet. If that didn't work be sure to open the backup chute by 400 feet.  One student asked, "How long do you have if neither chute works before you land?"  The instructor replied, "The rest of your life."

Interesting

When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."

"It's crazy that something like a Walmart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled."

"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf."

Seeing Eye to Eye

A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.  The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"  The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”  The wife says, "Seven weeks."

Facebook Name

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

Driver’s Permit

A young teen had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car.  His father took him into his study and said to the teen, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."  Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.  After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car.  Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible more, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."  The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."  His father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Life's Unanswered Questions

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?

Why do people squint when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?

Why do we call it pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?

Why do they say "an alarm’s going off" if it's really going on?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?

Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why Study?

The more I study

The more I know

The more I know

The more I forget

The more I forget

The less I know

So why study?

Where Did I Come From?

One day our little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"  My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure.  She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.  When she was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

Hotel Noise

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.  "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"  I apologized for the noise and checked him out.  A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.  "Terrible!" They said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

Today’s Thought

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

Friday's Funnies

Frozen Food Labeling

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."  However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.  If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." Now no matter what my husband replies with when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.  But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.  One time she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.  After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."  He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?  She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."  He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"  The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."  "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.  "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Way Professors Grade Their Exams

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

Three Wishes

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.  In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."  Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Aging

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."  "Why not?" he asks.  She answers back, "Because I'm dead."  The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."  She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."  He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"  "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Today’s Though

Money talks...but all mine ever says is goodbye.