Wedding Tears
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep
from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my
grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's
tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom
went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her
outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin
your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if
he was still alive."
Two Airheads At A Gas Station
Airhead #1: "These prices are awful. They just keep
going higher!"
Airhead #2: "It doesn't affect me at all; I always
put in just $20 worth."
Fearless Captain
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named
Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his
enemies. One day, while sailing the
Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and
while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle
and defeated the pirates. That evening,
all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them
asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
battle?" The captain replied,
"If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus,
you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's
man. As dawn came the next morning, the
lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew
stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the
vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly
shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
Laughing Prayer
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son
prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing. "Reggie!" scolded his father,
"Why are you laughing during prayer?"
"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is
talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
Call The Pastor
A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and
that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m.
On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't
sleep." "I’m so sorry to hear
that," he comforted her. "But
what can I do about it?" the pastor said. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a
while, pastor."
Cop Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. Well, I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
Occupation
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the
school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a
magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his
favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next
question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half
sisters."
Hunters
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along
they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at
the size of it. The first hunter says,
"Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it
is?" The second hunter says,"
I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen and see how long it
takes to hit bottom." The first
hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give
me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count
one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening,
looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn
around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the
hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they are standing there staring at each
other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should
ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of
the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
here hole!!" The old farmer said,
"Naw, that's impossible...I had him chained to a transmission.”
Today’s Thought
Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.
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