Friday's Funnies

Christmas Thoughts

·        Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.  

·        A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?" A young student replied, "Because his mother was there."  

·        Three phrases that have come to sum up Christmas (for better or worse) are: "Peace on Earth," "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries Not Included."  

·        "Where did I say that you should buy so much stuff to celebrate My birthday!?"

Shepherds

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of a manger scene. A large dog was among the animals.  The teacher looked puzzled.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  Clerk: What denomination do you want?  Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.  After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"  He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."  Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.  "I'm in the pub next to that."

Noel

My son, a kindergartener learning to read, was enjoying the Christmas lights as we drove around checking out the beautiful decorations. Noticing one display in a yard, he promptly spelled out the letters, "N-O-E-L" and asked what word it was. "Noel," I matter-of-factly replied. Back came an exasperated reply, "But, Mom, if there's no 'L,' then what does it spell?"

Santa

Eventually a child begins having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day this happened:

Child: "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Mother, with dread: "What is that?"

Child: "They're all nocturnal."

Christmas Presents

When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the tree for each family member. On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd lost that!" and "So that's where that went!" When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items, he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!"

The Omission

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry to family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. There, under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose with her cards.

The Contestant

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host said, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and...Olive!" The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?" "You know," the man said, and began to sing: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. 'Olive,' the other reindeer..."

The Christmas Kiss

Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was tired of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you." "That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Stranded

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.  "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"  "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Fishing on the Job

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.  Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.  "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

It's Gone

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written in it."

How to Clean the House

1.            Open a new file in your computer.

2.            Name it "Housework."

3.            Save and then send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.            Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5.            Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6.            Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

Loan Repayment

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"  To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine."  Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.  The woman looked up to heaven and said, "Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own."

Another Airhead Joke

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo! Can you see Florida from here??"

You’re From A Small Town When:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's,  and it's four houses left of the track field."

~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

The Dog

"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us."

"Why is that?”

"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't.”

"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper.”

"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too.”

Today’s Thought

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."