Friday's Funnies

Praying for all affected by Hurricane Irma!

Shorts

• What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist only wears a belt. A pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Out With A Bang

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his eggs every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Fake News

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media...

• On Red Sea crossing:
  Wetlands Trampled in Labor Strike
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
• On David vs. Goliath:
  Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
• On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
  Fire Sends Religious Extremist into Frenzy
    400 Killed
• On the birth of Christ:
  Hotels Full, Animals Left Homeless
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
• On feeding the 5,000:
  Preacher Takes Child's Lunch
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
• On healing the 10 lepers:
  Local Doctor's Practice Ruined
    "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
• On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
  Madman's Friend Causes Stampede
    Local Farmer's Investment Lost
• On raising Lazarus from the dead:
  Fundamentalist Preacher Raises a Stink
    Reading of Will Delayed

Kids' Science Exam Answers

• Q:  Name the four seasons.
  A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q:  What does 'varicose' mean?
  A:  Nearby.
• Q:  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
  A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
• Q:  What does the word 'benign' mean?'
  A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Shorts

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• There are moments when everything goes well. Don't be frightened, it won't last.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick questions.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and mom's age.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There are credit cards, money orders and travelers checks.

Worship

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.

Today’s Thought

They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I've discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.