Friday's Funnies

Fiancé

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.  "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.  "I am a biblical scholar," he replied.  "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"  "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.  "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."  "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.  The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.  Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"  The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

Best Out-OF-Office E-mail Relies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th.  Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email.  Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

The Painless Dentist

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.  "He's a fake!" Veronica told her friends. "He's not painless at all.  When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!"

Job Interview

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.  "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"  "That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

Suggested List Price

A farmer had been swindled several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow                                   $499.95

Shipping and handling                        35.75

Extra stomach                                79.25

Two-tone exterior                            142.10

Produce storage compartment                  126.50

Heavy duty straw chopper                     189.60

Four spigot/high output drain system         149.20

Automatic fly swatter                        88.50

Genuine cowhide upholstery                   179.90

Deluxe dual horns                            59.25

Automatic fertilizer attachment              339.40

4 x 4 traction drive assembly                884.16

Pre-delivery wash and comb                   69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:                $2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments:               300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options):        $3143.36

Names

A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).  Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.   But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.   When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.  She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."   "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.  "I know, but he named your son Denephew!"

City Slicker

City slicker: "Look at that bunch of cows."

Farmer: "Not bunch ... herd."

City slicker: "Heard what?"

Farmer: "Herd of cows."

City slicker: "Sure I've heard of cows."

Farmer: "No, a cow herd."

City slicker: "Why should I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow." 

Today’s Thought

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of monthly payments.