A Picnic Funny
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty
during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of
punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on
Saturday. When the day came, her mother
felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl
she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and
unhappiness. "What's the matter? I
thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl
said. "I've already prayed for rain."
Taking It Literally
Young David was playing on the floor singing at the top of his lungs. A neighbor came over to visit and said, "David, would you like to sing on the radio?" David looked up at her very solemnly and said, "No." "Why ever not?" she asked. "Because," he said, "I might fall off."
Compensation
Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" he complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
Young David was playing on the floor singing at the top of his lungs. A neighbor came over to visit and said, "David, would you like to sing on the radio?" David looked up at her very solemnly and said, "No." "Why ever not?" she asked. "Because," he said, "I might fall off."
Compensation
Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" he complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
Doing as Told
I had just placed a cake on my kitchen counter and told my young son to keep his hands off the cake. I left the room and returned a short time later to find my son on a bar stool with both hands behind his back – but his mouth was on the cake. He was obeying me. He did not put his hands on the cake. I just hadn't thought to mention his mouth!
I had just placed a cake on my kitchen counter and told my young son to keep his hands off the cake. I left the room and returned a short time later to find my son on a bar stool with both hands behind his back – but his mouth was on the cake. He was obeying me. He did not put his hands on the cake. I just hadn't thought to mention his mouth!
These are the laws of the natural
universe
~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal.
~ Variation Law: If you change lines or
traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you
are in now.
~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery
store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.
~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the
itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose
seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of
an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
~ Von Fumbles Law: When one wishes to unlock a door but
has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket.
~ Law of Campbell's Oops: The probability that you will
spill food on your clothes is directly proportional to your need to be clean.
~ Law of Fatal Irreversibility: After discarding
something not used for years, you will need it one week later.
Minnesota
A farmer lived in Minnesota, right on the
border with Iowa. One day he saw a team
of surveyors working along the road.
They measured and argued and measured again. Finally they came up to the farm house. "Sir, we have some news for you,"
they said. "It looks like the old map was completely wrong about the
border. Your farm is actually in
Iowa!" "That's
wonderful!" cried the farmer, "No more of those terrible Minnesota
winters!"
Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking.
They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their
tent. Holmes wakes up deep at night,
wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you
notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" "Well, this clearly tells us the weather
tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody
has stolen our tent."
Government in Action
The General Services Administration has
experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline
their day-to-day routines. One such
expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they
get rid of the clutter. He suggested, as a start, that they throw out all
correspondence over ten years old. The
FCC director loved the idea and replied, "Good thought. But first, we'll
have to make three copies of everything."
The Accident
My six-year-old grandson called his mother
from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he
threw a football in their living room. "But,
Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying
another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
Today’s Thought
I don't need any tattoos. After all, you
don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.
