Friday's Funnies

Unnecessary Roughness

A man took his wife, who had no interest in football, to the opening game at the local university. The home team was battered all over the field by the more dominant opponents. At one point, the referee blew his whistle; the call was "unnecessary roughness."  "You mean to tell me," the woman said to her husband, "That all that roughness up until now has been NECESSARY?"

The Right Denomination

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Don't you believe in God?”

He said, “I do.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What denomination?”

He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! “Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1912?”  I said, “Die heretic!” and pushed him over.

Deer Hunting

A builder, pastor and professional golfer went deer hunting together. They were all novices, but wanted to try it.  They had been out all day and towards dusk they all spotted a 5 point buck at the same time. They each took aim and 3 shots were fired at the moving target. The buck went down, so they rushed over to make sure it was dead. It was, so they started to discuss who had actually hit it. As they were discussing it, a game warden happened along and asked what the problem was. They told him, and he said for them to stand back and he would try to figure it out based on the bullet hole and the rifles that were being used.  After only a couple minutes, he came to them and said that the pastor was the one who hit the deer. The three wondered how he could figure it out so fast. The warden said the bullet went in one ear and came out the other.

Mensa

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.  Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?  Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.  The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.  They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.   "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker."  But before they could finish the waitress interrupted, "Oh, sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.  There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Hair

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.  "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.  "So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.  "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother. 

You're Not a Kid Anymore When

·        You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

·        You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

·        You enjoy watching the news.

·        The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

·        The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

·        People ask what color your hair USED to be.

·        You're proud of your lawnmower.

·        Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

·        You start singing along with the elevator music.

·        You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

·        Your car has four doors.

·        You routinely check the oil in your car.

·        You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

·        You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

·        7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

·        You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

·        You write thank you notes without being told.

·        Neighbors borrow your tools.

Lawyer

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.  Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."  "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"  Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."  By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."  Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" 

Today’s Thought

The difference between "gossip" and "news" is whether you hear it or tell it.