Friday's Funnies

How Does That Work? 

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.  "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."  "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."  "No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Puns of the Day

What do you call a woman who can't stop buying romance novels? A heroine addict.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

Why is Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" such compulsive reading? Because it's hobbit-forming.

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

Just Saying

1. What did Adam say to Eve?  What's Eden you?

2. Do you need an ark?  Because I Noah guy!

3. What did Goliath say to David?  You rock!

4. How did Jacob keep track of his sons?  They were color coated.

Caterpillars

Child at dinner table: "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

Parent: "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"

Child: "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

On the Other Hand

A grandma and her five-year-old grandson were taking a walk in the country just after the first heavy frost had dyed the foliage and given it a brilliantly colored, crazy quilt appearance. "Just think," the grandma marveled, gazing at a scarlet and gold-tinted hillside, "God painted all that." "Yes," the boy agreed, "and He even did it with His left hand." "What do you mean 'He did it with His left hand'?" she asked, somewhat puzzled by the remark. "Well," he replied reasonably, "at Sunday School, the teacher told us that Jesus is sitting on the right hand of God!"*

Indisputable Laws

• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the bathroom.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
• Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
• Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
• Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
• Law of Doctor Visits - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Today’s Thought

At the rate things are changing, anyone nostalgic for the "good old days" is yearning for last week.