Friday's Funnies

Merry Christmas!

Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collector’s Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)

Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

Christmas Jokes

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

A: They have too many needles 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 

A: Ice Crispies

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: You get tinsel-it is

What do elves learn in school?

A: The elf-abet

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A:  A Christmas quacker

What do grapes sing at Christmas?

A: 'Tis the season to be jelly

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

A: The Christmas alphabet has noel

What's red and white, red and white, red and white?

A: Santa Claus rolling down the hill 

Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? 

A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone

Elf Pet Peeves

~ Ever since they hit the big time, those Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.

~ Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"

~ Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.

~ Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaughey septuplets.

~ Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked "elf."

~ Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

Christmas Q & A

• What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
• What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
• Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
• If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe!
• Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
• What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!
• Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
• What do they sing under the ocean during the winter? Christmas Corals!
• What do snowmen do on Christmas? Play with the snow angels.
• What's a good holiday tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
• What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night.
• What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle!
• What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
• What do lions sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells.
• When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it's adrift.

 Today’s Thought

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

You’ve heard of the 3^rd archangel?  Mark.  You know, “Mark, the herald angel sings, ‘Glory to the newborn King!’”

Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Shepherds

The Sunday school teacher looked at the boy's drawing of a manger scene, which included a large dog was among the animals. The teacher asked about it.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Imaginings

Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story. Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were four distinct faces looking out the windows. When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." (Matthew 2:15.) He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face, of course, was Jesus. The teacher asked him, "Who is the face in the front of the plane?" Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

Christmas Wish

As the little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question: "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open-mouthed, horrified, and then gasped, "Didn't you get my Snapchat?"

Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

6. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

7. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

I Think Santa Clause Is A Woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.  Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

~ Men can't pack a bag.

~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.

~ Men don't answer their mail.

~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Today’s Thought

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, ‘that sounds like a fair trade.'

Friday's Funnies

Fractured Christmas Songs From Kids

~ Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

~ We three kings of porridge and tar

~ On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

~ He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

~ Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

~ With the jelly toast proclaim

~ In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

~ Oh, what fun it is to ride with a one horse, soap and hay

Its Science

Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. "Molecules can be split into atoms. Can molecules be broken down any further?" A pupil replied, "I'm not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked 'fragile.'"

Christmas Rebuke

After finding the door to the garage left open, Mom rebuked her daughter. "Were you born in a barn, Heather?" "No, but Jesus was." (Well played, young one...)

Song Request

Sam had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." She looked at him and said, "That's nice of you, Sam. But why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

Keen Observation

The best things in life may be free, but the optional accessories really run up the bill.

Bragging Rites

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Pet Training

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. But the customer complained, "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"

Paid Off

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill for the delivery and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room: "Still in the Garden of Eden?"

Very Punny

• Did you hear about the lady window installer?  Patty O'Doors.
• I found some Civil War meat at the back of our fridge the other day — Blue one side and Grey the other.
• I was no good at math at school. I spent half of my time doing fractions — at least, I think it was half.
• Experts have been working for six months on making a slow melting ice-cream. It would have been sooner, but they don't like working on Sundaes.

Words of Wisdom

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Today’s Though

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

Friday's Funnies

Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them, put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently my son claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really, just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ The other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

Lion Tracks

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."  "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."  Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

In the Bible

• I said I was going to sing a song called Subtraction. The Pastor replied, "Take it away,"
• Where is the first food fight in the Bible? Zechariah 5:1 — "I looked and behold a flying roll!"
• Do you know the phone number of the Garden of Eden?  Adam 8-1-2.
• Did you know that Paul was the first surfer In The Bible?  Remember in Acts when he came ashore on a board?

Got The Part!

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

DAFFYNITIONS

Aardvark: Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater

Bat: An air-minded mouse

Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate

Diploma: Da man dat fixes your pipes

Europe: Next one to bat

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers

Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery

Highbrow: A person educated beyond his intelligence

Install: Where you keep your horse

Joan of Arc: Noah’s wife

Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later

Mammoth: Giant flying bug thing

Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense

Optometrist: A person you have to see

Perfect Gentleman: A man of high principle and no interest

Quadruplets: Four crying out loud

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat

Sermon: A moralogue

Thoroughbred: A carefully prepared loaf

Viper: What you use to clean ze vindows

Walkie Talkie: What you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede

X-Ray: A ray that enables a person to see through anything except treachery

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary

Zillion: The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, before ending up doing it yourself

Today’s Thought

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the game.