Friday's Funnies

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. 

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

Police and Doughnuts

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"  The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Priest's Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.  When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"   The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

What I Learned In Biology Class

• When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
• Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have any children, you won't have children either.

Following Directions

My brother-in-law was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

The Note

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church -- and he and the preacher were the only people there!  The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."  The preacher realized the truth of this, and was inspired to preach a stem-winder of a sermon.  Afterward, he asked the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.  The cowboy answered, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."

Lexophilia

 

.. A broken pencil is pointless.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

Say what?

 

Pessimist:  "Things can't possibly get any worse than this!!"

 

Optimist: "Oh yes they can."

 

Today’s Thought

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.