Friday's Funnies

Happy Father’s Day!

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Father Funnies

~ I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

~ Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.

~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

~ You're the world's greatest dad...although my frame of reference is limited.

~ I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

~ You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.

~ Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven.

~ Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Top 10 things you will never hear a dad say

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a bad attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

Mixed Emotions

I have mixed emotions when I receive Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me, but I’m disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

The Worst Part

My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father.  The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad."  Her unsympathetic younger sister: "At least you got his freckles. I got his eyebrow." 

Fathers

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.  After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.  When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.  "Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."  The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Do it again

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.   Rushing back in, they found Sammy crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.  His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. The little boy was delighted.  In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

Hoarders

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.  She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?"  Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Gray Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair, I immediately wrote to my parents:  "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."  I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation

That nothing can compare

In the process of aging

With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:  "That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

Today’s thought

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.