Friday's Funnies

Aging

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When you rearrange the letters:

PRESBYTERIAN:  BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:  MOON STARER
DESPERATION:  A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:  THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:  HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:  DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:  CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:  IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:  ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:  I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:  THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  TWELVE PLUS ONE

Rise And Shine

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "Why does that wake him up?" "He sleeps with the dog!"

The Cure

An woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room. The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor:

10) Tenors get high -- without drugs.

9) Name a musical where the bass got the girl.

8) You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.

7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1,000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?

6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?

5) Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.

4) You can sing along with John Denver on "Aye Calypso."

3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.

2) Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. (Nobody invented a genre for basses.)

1) You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass:

10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.

9) You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.

8) Or a pre-adolescent boy.

7) Action heroes are always basses. That is -- if they ever sang, they would sing bass.

6) You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop (boong ching ... boong chi-ching).

5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.

4) You never need to learn to read treble clef.

3) If you get a cold, so what.

2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.

1) If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:

10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.

9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.

8) Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?

7) When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.

6) You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.

5) Great costumes -- like the hat with the horns on it.

4) How many world-famous altos can you name?

3) When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.

2) When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.

1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto

10) You get really good at singing E flat.

9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures (tang ... tang ... tang ...).

8) No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.

7) If the choir really stinks, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.

6) You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.

5) You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.

4) You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor.

3) Altos get all the great intervals.

2) When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.

1) When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.