Friday's Funnies

GRAMMAR OOPS

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears

Things You Never Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. I pay your salary!

7. Wow, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

8. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Coming to visit

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow push 3.  When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You coming empty handed?"

Sermon Responses

First Member:  I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Second Member:  It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

Noise Abatement

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

Not Right

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"  "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.  "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.  "No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

Leaf 'em alone:

 My wife and I hate raking leaves. I leaned on the rake, looked gloomily at the task before me and commented. "I'll bet every leaf for miles has blown into our yard.   "They should," she replied.  "They know where they're safe."

The Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I want a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," the boy said, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Speeding Registration

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.  "I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.  The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."  It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

Today’s Thought

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Friday's Funnies

The Surprise Party

As my son's seventh birthday approached, his excitement was reaching fever pitch. As usual, Tommy was allowed to invite about a dozen kids who live on our block. The morning of the big day, a woman called to say she couldn't make the party. I must have sounded confused, so she added, "I'm Tommy's teacher." She paused, then said, "Didn't you know he'd invited me?" "No," I said, "but you're welcome to drop in later for a slice of birthday cake." After another pause, she said, "Did you know he asked the entire class... 33 children in all?" I thanked her, hung up and turned to Tommy, who was fairly bursting with glee. I asked why he had done such a thing. "I always wanted a surprise party, Mom! Are you surprised?"

Not Today

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

Kids Talk About Astronomy:

• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Kids Talk About Meteorology:

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Confident

A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!"  Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed.  He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again.  Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again.  He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES By Grant MacDonald

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

  

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

  

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

  

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

  

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

  

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

  

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

  

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

  

2.   Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

  

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

  

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.  It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.  Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write.  It shows me strait a weigh.  As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.  Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no; Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

The Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Today’s Thought

Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.