Friday's Funnies

Say it with flowers

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers."  "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist.  "Only one?" the florist asked.  "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

The First Olympic Joke

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. Three men want to get in but they haven't got tickets. The first picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says; "Discus," and in he walks. The second picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says; "Pole vault," and in he walks. The third looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says; "Fencing."

Miracle Recovery

If your wife doesn’t feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery… offer to help with the housework.  If you don’t think there’s such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.

Limited Space

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

Farm Costs

A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Indian Pastor

We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part of an organization that our church supports. Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any customer support numbers recently. When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's good. That means you won't have too much trouble understanding my accent."

OOPS ADS PLACED IN NEWSPAPERS

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Georgia Peaches, California grown. 89cents/lb.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Paying bills

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.  “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.  “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

Ticket

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.  “Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

The judge and the cigars

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”   “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.  “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”  “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”  Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”  “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”  “But, I did send them.”  “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.  “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.  “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”