Friday's Funnies

Olympics

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."

Planning Ahead

The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center. He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."

Things Change

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

What?

On a Sunday morning a couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. In the small church where they had worshiped for many years, the pastor called them forward to be recognized by the congregation and prayed a blessing over them. Afterward the pastor asked them if there is anything they would like to say to one another in everyone's presence. The wife turned to her husband and with a rather weak voice said, "You are tried and true." Her husband replied, "HUH?" "OH YEAH?! Well, I'm tired of you, too!"

Chaos

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a politician were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The politician leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Brave firefighters

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer group be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.  The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.  Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.  A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

Eclipse memo

Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

Friday's Funnies

Well Said

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist. "Only one?" the florist asked. "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Being Helpful

The young backwoodsman came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Pretty Flahrs

A man in the deep South had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

The Sign Says...

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

I’m so tough…

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.  "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."  "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."  "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my gramma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour."

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you should look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

Blonde jokes

A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."  The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"  She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.  "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"

A blonde guy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says "That's your air freshener swinging around from your mirror!"

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here Fido!" she replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What in the world are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".

An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." 

Friday's Funnies

Say it with flowers

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers."  "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist.  "Only one?" the florist asked.  "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

The First Olympic Joke

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. Three men want to get in but they haven't got tickets. The first picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says; "Discus," and in he walks. The second picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says; "Pole vault," and in he walks. The third looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says; "Fencing."

Miracle Recovery

If your wife doesn’t feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery… offer to help with the housework.  If you don’t think there’s such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.

Limited Space

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

Farm Costs

A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Indian Pastor

We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part of an organization that our church supports. Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any customer support numbers recently. When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's good. That means you won't have too much trouble understanding my accent."

OOPS ADS PLACED IN NEWSPAPERS

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Georgia Peaches, California grown. 89cents/lb.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Paying bills

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.  “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.  “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

Ticket

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.  “Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

The judge and the cigars

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”   “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.  “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”  “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”  Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”  “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”  “But, I did send them.”  “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.  “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.  “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”  

Friday's Funnies

What Goes Around...


My five-year-old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it. "Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?" My mom smiled and with a twinkle in her eye said, "Yes, I remember."


Teen Logic


On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"


Lottery


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'  The husband said, 'What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!'


Eye Exam               


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:   'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy!'

Typo

The new young monk comes into the monastery. The senior monk sits him at his desk to copy a copied manuscript. The young monk asks, "Don't we copy from the original instead of a copy?" The elder monk replies, "No, we just copy from these copies." The young monk replies, "Well, I think that is a mistake because then we will be copying mistakes and probably adding mistakes, compounding the inaccuracy of the text!" The older monk replies, "Well, I'll go down in the archives and look at the original and assess this possibility." A while later the younger monk hears the older cry out, "Oh no! There should have been an "r"! It should be "celebrate!"

Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.   The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.  On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"  "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Instructions

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

An interview with an 80-year-old woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.  "He's a funeral director," she answered.  "Interesting," the newsman thought.  He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.  She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Sauce Control

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.  That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"  The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.  "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"  "I did," admitted the youngster.  "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."