Friday's Funnies

Going In Style

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Cleaning Up

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt" He yelled back, "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!"

Kids Say The Craziest Things

BRITTANY (age 4)

had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)

was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'

DJ (age 4)

stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5)

was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 

JAMES (age 4)

was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY(age 4)

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The Plan

The loaded mini—van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father grinned and said, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."

Never die

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

Reality Check

Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

Friday's Funnies

Sleeping In

Pastor to Parishioner: "Will I see you in church tomorrow?"
Parishioner: "I expect to be there Reverend, but I've been sleeping in on Sunday mornings."
Pastor: "Oh, really? How late have you been sleeping in?"
Parishioner: "That all depends on the length of your sermon."

Seeing Clearly

So a woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired. "Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're just not working," the woman complained. "Perhaps the lens grinder made an error in filling the prescription." "I'm sure he must have," the woman confirmed. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Salary disparity


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.  “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”  The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…..  “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Ready to retire? Take this quiz to find out.


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree‘s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Never a truer word

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, some days the statue.

Keep your words soft and sweet — in case you have to eat them.

Always read books that will make you look good if you die before you finish.

If you lend someone a small amount of money and never see him again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Because it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, some dull, some have weird names, all are different colours — but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Save the earth — It’s the only planet with chocolate.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN

Friday's Funnies

"THAT’S MY MOM"

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....

WHY GOD MADE MOMS  - Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MOM WHEN...

~ You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

~ You find yourself humming the Wiggles song as you do the dishes.

~ You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

~ You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

~ You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

~ You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

~ You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

~ You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

WAITING ROOM

The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at his normal snail’s pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.  “Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.  “Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go home and die a natural death, instead of just being bored to death.”

Friday's Funnies

Smart!

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Bible

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Golf

A reporter, interviewing Jack Nicklaus: "Jack, you are spectacular! You really know your way around the course.  What is your secret?"

Jack: "The holes are numbered."

Word-Wise

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Good Observations

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"

Taking The Bus
(Disclaimer: Actions described in the following story from the web are neither recommended nor condoned, nor are they, on merit, amusing. But the fictitious narrative's closing twist is funny.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at an upscale hotel downtown and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Bringing Home a Drunken Irishman

An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. 

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door.  His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Normal?

Normal is only a setting on your dryer.