Friday's Funnies

Strange bird

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, “That’s a bird of paradise.”  The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, “Long way from home, isn’t it?”

CHURCH OXYMORONS - An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms.

- Brief meeting

- Preacher's day off

- Clear calendar

- Volunteer waiting list

- Concluding remarks

Sunday Morning

The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. "Come on, time to get ready for church."  "Do I have to?"  "Yes you do."  "I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE."  "No. You can sleep in tomorrow."  "Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?"  "Well, you're the pastor."

Visiting Australia

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"
Native: "Alligator's teeth."
Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
Native: "Oh no, no, no! Anybody can open an oyster."

Qualifications to be President

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"  Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

Picky Proprietor

Two guys went into a restaurant and sat down. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs, and started to eat them.  The owner saw what was going on and walked over. “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” he complained.  The two guys stopped, looked at each other, and swapped sandwiches.

Groaners

-        When they installed bungee ropes in the church tower, the bell ringers hit the roof.

-        There’s no sense in being pessimistic; it wouldn’t work anyway.

-        I first performed stand-up when I was eleven months old.

-        Who would have thought Velcro would catch on?

-        Windmills, I’m a big fan, big, big fan!

-        So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.

-        There’s no future for Exit signs, they’re on the way out.

-        I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

-        A Minnesota woman gave birth while at the bank. The worst part is she was penalized for early withdrawal.

-        Quick gag for all you Telepaths out there…………

-        5 out of every 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.

-        My memory is not as good as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be.

Work quips

Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

Every piece of equipment in our office is covered by insurance, except the clock. But our employees are always watching that.

I used to work at the unemployment office. Really hated it because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.

Q: How many people work in this office?

A: About half of them.

We used to have a guy working here who used to say: “I take orders from no one.” Unfortunately he was in the sales department.

I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 30% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 5% Friday.

People often ask me how I got my job as a book editor, well to cut a long story short…

If you’re not fired with enthusiasm you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

To err is human, but evidently to blame things on somebody else shows management potential.

Fire Safety Training

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then press the trigger to release the foam.”

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin … and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.