Friday's Funnies

Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed. “What’s the matter, son?” asked his mother.  “Mom,” said the boy, “it’s my grades. They’re all wet.”  “What do you mean ’all wet?’” asked his mother.  “You know,” he replied, “below C-level.”

Reasons for divorce

A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says “I want a divorce.”

The lawyer says, “Do you have grounds?”

“Oh yes,” she said, “We have about 4 acres and a long driveway”.

“No, no, you have misunderstood me. I mean do you have a grudge?”

She said “No it’s not a grudge, we have a carport.”

He said “No that’s not what I meant. Let me put it another way. Why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh that’s easy. It’s my husband. He can’t hold a sensible conversation!”

Picnic

On Monday the minister's little daughter was very naughty, so her mother told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.  For the next few days the girl's behaved so nicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic after all. Surprisingly, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.  "What's the matter?" asked her mother. "I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic."  "It's too late," said the little girl. "I've already prayed for rain!"

God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé to visit her parents. After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiancé to the library for a talk.  "So what are your plans?" he asked the young man.  "I am a seminary student," he replied.  "A seminary student. Hmmm," said the father. "Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?"  "I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?"  "I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us."  "And how will you support your children?"  "Don't worry, sir. God will provide."  The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insisted that God would provide.  Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, "Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I'm God!"

Joke

At a recent concert, Scott Fowler of Legacy Five was giving Scott Howard grief over his socks. Howard said, "They're golf socks." Fowler scoffed, "Golf socks? They're just threadbare." Howard explained: "They have a hole-in-one!"

School Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, and with the students watching, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Oops

My boss phoned me today.  He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"  I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."  "Can you do me a favor?" he asked.  I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"  He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

Thwarted

"I childproofed my house. But they still get in."