Friday's Funnies

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Smile!

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Redneck IQ Test

Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.

1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? ’65 Ford Fairlane, ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle, ’64 Pontiac GTO

2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.

3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

Blame Canada

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

Cleanliness

Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall. Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands." Then a third person had added, "And your feet."

Tree's Company

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the dizzy lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Moving South, Don't Cha Know

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime. After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter." "What's the bad news?", asked Ole. "Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyors said, "and after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota. It's actually in Iowa." "That's the best news I've had in a long time," said Ole. "I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't think I could take another winter in Minnesota!"

Remembering

An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and told his wife he was going to the kitchen.

She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He: "Sure."
She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He: "No, I can remember."
She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."
He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"

Fuming, he went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside, Be right back. Cooter

Friday's Funnies

New Year's Wish

Dear Wishing Well: My wish for me in 2011 is a big fat bank account and a slim body. PLEASE don't mix these two up like you did last year!

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again
• IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL: Living On Lipitor
• LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
• ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
• GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Friday's Funnies

Now Watch

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow."

Changing Times

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

Seems Appropriate

My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital. Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado's book, "He Still Moves Stones."

Divorce ruling

A divorce court judge said to the husband, “Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.” “That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

The Bracelet

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

What's wrong with me?

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Speeding Juggler

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for, boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me, boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well, sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then said, "A juggler; well, you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his juggling ability while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden, Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on Route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Growing Old

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Facebook Time

Facebook and Formspring are two of the many social-networking sites that allow users to embarrass themselves in front of millions of friends and strangers, like these people did. LARRY: Happy Valentine's Day to All, especially Wendy, Heather, Lindsey, Ellen, Valerie, Isabel, and all the other wonderful women I adore. JENNIFER: You forgot your wife.

Should I really join Twitter and Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

So, you ask me if I tweet. "No, but I do toot a lot."

Friday's Funnies

Wishes for the New Year

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.

Happy New Year!

A Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

100 years old

Reporter: “So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?”

Old man: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air.”

Hard to Pass

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat. "Sir," he says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man replies.

"Prove it," says the cop.

The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by.

"Man," says one guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

Starting that diet

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

The stockbroker

The stockbroker’s secretary answered his phone one morning. “I’m sorry,” she said, “Mr. Bradford’s on another line.”

“This is Mr. Ingram’s office,” the caller said. “We’d like to know if he’s bullish or bearish right now.”

“He’s talking to his wife,” the secretary replied. “Right now I’d say he’s sheepish.”

Whose money?
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money!” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this — I’m a U.S. Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me MY money!”

Alternate solutions

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Absent-Minded Professor

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. Conductor Bennett said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it. Otherwise, I won't know where to get off."