Friday's Funnies

Shaking Hands
"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"

Winners & Losers
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

A Great Singer
"What kind of music do you sing?" "Aqua-pella." "Don't you mean 'a cappella,' singing without instrumental accompaniment?" "Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

Speaking in Tongues
A Swiss guy, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Yanks just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off. The first Yank turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Golfer's Secret
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. Jon, in a foursome, teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Blonde vs. the Telemarketer
A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line.

She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.

She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.

Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back.

"Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.

She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."

Wedding Organist
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.
During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."
Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn:
"Shackled by a heavy burden..."

Sign in a store window
"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than one single American."

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it IS just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)