Friday's Funnies

Obsession"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown

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Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.

"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

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Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

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"Change"

A woman called her doctor in a panic. Her son had swallowed a dime and she wanted to know if she should bring the boy in to be seen.

"I don't think it's necessary," the doctor calmly replied. "Just watch him closely for any change."

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Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

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A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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"Six things to think about"

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

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12 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
4. Never lick a steak knife.
5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.