Funnies for 6/15/2007

AN ESSAY ON FATHERS:

"He can climb the highest mountain or swim the biggest ocean. He can fly the fastest plane and fight the strongest tiger. My father can do anything! But most of the time he just carries out the garbage." - Anonymous eight-year-old

DAD'S CHEAPER

One little boy defined Father's Day like this: "Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only you don't spend as much on a present."

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...............They Walk Among Us!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

.....Yep, They Walk Among Us AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL they VOTE!

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TIMELESS

I frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions. "Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?" She told me and immediately continued asking questions. "What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked. "Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up.

PUNNIES

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!" Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.

10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT (If Written By College Students)

- The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
- The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
- New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
- Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
- Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
- Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
- The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
- Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
- Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
- Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.