Friday's Funnies

Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it’s at the wrong address.”

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Driving complaint

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror … shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

The Trouble With Dating

Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples:

Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.

My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.

I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

It's About Time

A few weeks  after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. "You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."

With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!"

Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.

Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother… "

Keeping secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Marriage Counselor

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Friday's Funnies

Father’s Day

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, he was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots every which way. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?" "No. I'm looking for one with money in it."

Dad Wins

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?" After no more than a moment of thought, five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Dad's Admiration

I heard of a young mother who went down to the nursery at a hospital and found her young husband peering down at his newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell he was captivated by the scene as he stood there looking toward the sleeping infant, seemingly just in awe. She was so touched that finally she tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm through his and said, "honey, what are you thinking about?" He whispered, "I just can't understand how they're able to make a crib like that for just $89.95."

The List

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item #5: "Think about your wife a lot." After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. #5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?" My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

Adult Truths

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
4. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
9. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
11. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
15. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Computer terminology

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Friday's Funnies

Urgent Inquiry

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed, said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How soon do you have to know?"

Say What?

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submaweenes."

Today's Market Activity

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Dr Pepper fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

String

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again. They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?" The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

No Comment…

1 . Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it…

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key... '

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any…

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high...'

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy… '

10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh...

11. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin…

12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

13. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice… '

14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well, don't go there anymore!'

Friday's Funnies

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it getting larger and larger?" Then it hit me.

The Diet Plan

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds." When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day." "From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from the skipping."

23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." "What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

Sign Clarifications

• Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled, "That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
• Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

Old Home

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Another Lawyer Joke

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Momento

Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”
Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Oops!

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said. “It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain.”

Equation of earnings

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work ÷ Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Friday's Funnies

The Chicken Hunt

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."

You Know You Have A Bad Computer When...

Lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.

You have to pedal it.

The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"

Only chip inside is a Dorito.

When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

You catch a virus from it.

The Symmetry Of Life

At age 4 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

Ever Wonder .....

· Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

· Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

· Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

· Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

· Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

· Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

· Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

· Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

· Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

· You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

· Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The Real Problem

And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans? Relax, here is our real problem.

In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that vote. They breed and they walk among us...

GPS

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth {it's red} phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked. “My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”

Friday's Funnies

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?" After a few moments, William answered, "It depends." "It depends on what?" she asked. "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

Things A Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on — it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me — just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket — the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Wedding Advice

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors. The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."

World's Thinnest Books

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

The Amish Phone Directory

The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

Actual Clumsy Ad Copy

• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Perspective

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Planning Ahead

One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

Heaven's Queues*

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line"? The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

*Not to be understood as doctrinally correct.

The Creation

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered,"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Playing house

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?” He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.” “Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.” The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

You Know When It's Time

"Why did you leave your last job?" "It was something my boss said." "What did he say?" "'You're fired!'"

Friday's Funnies

Watching & Waiting

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave — but he didn't. The boy just kept watching. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?" "Nope," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

Basic Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

Watching Over Us

A speeding motorist was caught after being observed by an overhead police helicopter. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "even He is against me?"

Makes Sense

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify..." I always put "A doctor."

Serving Notice

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message: "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Grandparents’ Answering Machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp …

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, take us to a restaurant, start talking – we are listening.

With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

Piece of advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, and jejune babblement. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”