Friday Funnies

 Car Needs Repair

Jill's car was unreliable, and she kept telling her husband John about it, but it would always seem fine when he would drive it. So, he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.

John: "Hi honey."

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"

John: "What!? Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me..."

Old Friends

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. "Then another day I dropped my finger on another word, and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Names

Mom, why is my brother named Michael?

Because your father loves Formula One.

Thanks, mom

No worries Nikon.

 

Educator Funnies

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.

Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.

Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a midterm report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

Yep

I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know for sure that Dad has no idea what's inside.

 

Professionalism Test

Read out loud: 

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat 

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading.

Today’s Thought

If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

Friday's Funnies

 Puzzled

Jon pulled in the Popeye’s drive thru, and since he wasn’t too hungry, he just ordered a kid’s combo with a chicken leg. The lady on the speaker asked, “which side”? Puzzled a bit by the question, Jon responded “the left side, I guess, does it make a difference?” After a big, hearty laugh, she said “I mean, do you want fries or mashed potatoes”!

 

Looking For Help

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"

Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."

Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

 

Sunday School

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

 

Dogless

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Educators Dictionary

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Coverage-based instruction - Instruction based on the idea that what is taught is much more important than what is learned.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

Hyper-critical thinking - Higher level thinking evidenced by such questions as, "What kind of a haircut is that?!" And, "Why do we have to do this stupid assignment?!"

Interconversations - The office conversations you overhear when someone forgets to turn off the intercom after an announcement.

Dispute

There's a labor dispute at my office. The boss wants me to do some.

 

Long-winded Visiting Minister

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

 

Obviously

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

 

Happy Childhood

On admission to the nursing home where I worked, each new resident was interviewed by a social worker. During one session, an alert, twinkling-eyed, 96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?" "So far, so good!" he replied.

Dad Joke

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Didn't jog.

2023: Didn't jog.

2024: Still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

 

Today’s Thought

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.

Friday's Funnies

 Tip Of The Day

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

Good News

I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all of your passwords." I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a pen."

 

Observation

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Conclusion

My granddad always said, "When one door closes, another door opens." Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

Aging

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there were cute.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good, and the wine selection was good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

Fitness

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" I said, "Diddly."

 

Birthday Wish

Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
Kid: "I'd like a little brother."
Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?"
Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Baseball Funnies

 

Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ballpark?
A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.

True Meaning

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor. " P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Dad Joke

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

 

Today’s Thought

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

Friday's Funnies

 The Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

 
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

What A Deal!

Yesterday I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Census Questions

Census Taker:  "How many children do you have?"
Woman:  "Four."
Census Taker:  "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman:  "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Actual Newspaper Bloopers

·       The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

·       The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

·       The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

·       The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

 

Phyllis Diller Quotes

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I never made "Who's Who," but I'm featured in "What's That?"

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The doctor looked my body over. I said, "Is there any hope?" He said, "Yes. Reincarnation."

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

My body is in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

In most states, you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Two Cows

Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looked over and replied, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."

While Unconscious

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

Dad Joke

Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.

Today’s Thought

You don't actually wash your hands. They wash each other.

Friday's Funnies

 Olympics

 

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th just so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

 

Repayment

 

A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.  Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the first man's breath and voice returned, he said, "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?" The other man grinned and said, "I'll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."

 

Daffynitions

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette: The act of torching a  mortgage
Burglarize: What a crook sees with
Control: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Paradox: two physicians
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
Polarize: what penguins see with
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife
Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does

 

Excess Weight

 

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

 

Inventions

 

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Dental Appointment

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.........or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I had a Mustang." He gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1976. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I claimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled man asked, "What did you teach?"

Spelling

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Steven Wright Quotes

 

- Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

Job Application

 

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Dad Joke

 

Just so everybody's clear. I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Though

I hate people who can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

Friday's Funnies

 The Best

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

Sunday School

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch." "But where are all your cattle?" "So far, none have survived the branding."

Idiots & Windows

An idiot had the windows in his house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later he got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and he had yet to make the first payment. The idiot replies, "now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those windows told me that in one year they would pay for themselves."

What The Teacher Really Means

What the teacher says. (And what the teacher really means.)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)

2. Becky is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.)

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.)

A Note

I had sat down with my family after finishing my worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it up to hand to me. I unwadded the paper and read the words, "Hi dad! Bye." I looked at him and quietly asked him: "What is this?" "It's a text message, Dad. Mom wouldn't let me use her phone."

Care and Feeding

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Long Flight

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes. And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

Dad Joke

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.

Today’s Thought

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Steak

 

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

 

Italian Pasta Diet

 

1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Bada bing, bada boom! You lose weight!

Garden of Eden

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

Sports Repairman

 

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."  The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."  The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"  The woman then replies, "He fixes things... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."

Book Titles and Authors

 

Animal Illnesses ............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation ... Francis Crowded
Downpour! ..................... Wayne Dwops
Cloning ........................... Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring .................. Lynn O'Leum
Inflammation, Please ..... Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah ........... Ollie Luyah

House Construction ……… Bill Jerome
Home Unemployed ……… Anita Job
Home Alone IV ……………… Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll …………………. Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy……………………... Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast .. Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower …………. Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ………………. Sue Flay

Work

People who do lots of work ...  make lots of mistakes.
People who do less work ...  make less mistakes.
People who do no work ...  make no mistakes.
People who make no mistakes ...  get promoted.
So that's why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work.  I want a promotion!

 

Sweet Nothings

Three couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were eating the first husband looked lovingly at his wife and said to her, "Please pass the honey, honey."  The second husband thinks to himself, I need to step up my game. So, he looked at his wife and said, "Please pass the sugar, sugar." The third husband starts to panic because he needs to hit his comment out of the park.  So, he holds his wife's hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, "Please pass the tea...bag.”  AND that's when the fight started.

Police Stop

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed...I need bail money.

 

Spelling

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."

Praying Positions

A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.  "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.  "No," said the minister.  "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said.  "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer: "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Dad Joke

It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

Today’s Thought

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.