Friday's Funnies

 The Best

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

Sunday School

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch." "But where are all your cattle?" "So far, none have survived the branding."

Idiots & Windows

An idiot had the windows in his house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later he got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and he had yet to make the first payment. The idiot replies, "now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those windows told me that in one year they would pay for themselves."

What The Teacher Really Means

What the teacher says. (And what the teacher really means.)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)

2. Becky is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.)

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.)

A Note

I had sat down with my family after finishing my worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it up to hand to me. I unwadded the paper and read the words, "Hi dad! Bye." I looked at him and quietly asked him: "What is this?" "It's a text message, Dad. Mom wouldn't let me use her phone."

Care and Feeding

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Long Flight

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes. And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

Dad Joke

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.

Today’s Thought

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Steak

 

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

 

Italian Pasta Diet

 

1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Bada bing, bada boom! You lose weight!

Garden of Eden

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

Sports Repairman

 

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."  The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."  The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"  The woman then replies, "He fixes things... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."

Book Titles and Authors

 

Animal Illnesses ............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation ... Francis Crowded
Downpour! ..................... Wayne Dwops
Cloning ........................... Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring .................. Lynn O'Leum
Inflammation, Please ..... Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah ........... Ollie Luyah

House Construction ……… Bill Jerome
Home Unemployed ……… Anita Job
Home Alone IV ……………… Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll …………………. Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy……………………... Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast .. Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower …………. Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ………………. Sue Flay

Work

People who do lots of work ...  make lots of mistakes.
People who do less work ...  make less mistakes.
People who do no work ...  make no mistakes.
People who make no mistakes ...  get promoted.
So that's why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work.  I want a promotion!

 

Sweet Nothings

Three couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were eating the first husband looked lovingly at his wife and said to her, "Please pass the honey, honey."  The second husband thinks to himself, I need to step up my game. So, he looked at his wife and said, "Please pass the sugar, sugar." The third husband starts to panic because he needs to hit his comment out of the park.  So, he holds his wife's hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, "Please pass the tea...bag.”  AND that's when the fight started.

Police Stop

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed...I need bail money.

 

Spelling

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."

Praying Positions

A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.  "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.  "No," said the minister.  "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said.  "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer: "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Dad Joke

It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

Today’s Thought

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.

Friday's Funnies

 

Goal

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

 

Emergency Call

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"

So True

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Kids in Church

 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Word Plays

~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

Lawyer's Son

 

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

At A Restaurant

 

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

 

One-liners

 

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

Dad Joke

 

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park...

It has several slides.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers: "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Deceit Sermon

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Baking

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, "About 10 years."

Getting Old

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

What!

Mom: "Eat your breakfast."
Son: "Why?"
Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?"
Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy."

Cousin Elly

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Why?

1.           Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2.           If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3.           If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4.           Why do we say something is out of : whack? What is a whack?

5.           Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6.           Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7.           Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8.           Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9.           Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10.         Why is it called "after dark" when it really is : "after light"?

11.         Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12.         Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13.         Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean : opposite things?

Makes Sense Now

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Oneliners

- The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
- An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
- If you solved the NY Times' Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.
- A word of advice... don't give it.
- If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
- I am logged in... therefore, I am.
- A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
- Justice is blind and in some cases... deaf and dumb.
- To belittle is to be little.
- Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
- The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
- I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
- A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
- Once you pass 40, your "big break" will probably be a bone.
- Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality... it's about politics.
- Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
- Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Dad Joke

The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round.

They traveled in different circles. 

Today’s Thought

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.

Friday's Funnies

 May The 4th Be With You!

- Did you hear that your local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars Day on May 4th with an Anakin special? It's an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

- What happens if you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight? Watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

- Did you hear about the girl who is still single on Star Wars Day? Apparently, she's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

- How to trigger a Star Wars fan on May 4th? Go Fourth and Prosper!

- What do you call a bubble tea party on Star Wars Day? A Boba Fete.

Daily Planet Budget Constraints 

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."

Coffee Shop

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights" The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."  "Oh," says the waitress.  The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy asks, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."

Take Your Pet To School Day

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally, the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Four People on an Airplane

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."

Leadership Memos

Memo from the company's Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Dad Joke

Horses have lower divorce rates. It's because they're in stable relationships.

Today’s Thought

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for a few days.

Friday's Funnies

 Name Calling

 

I was the substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were fighting were brought to me. They were brothers. I asked what's the problem? The first answered, "He called me ugly!!" The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!" I tried very hard not to laugh...they were identical twins!

Sold By The Dozen

Golf balls are like eggs...they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.

 

Definition Of Outdoor Barbecuing

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store. 
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 
4) The man places the meat on the grill. 
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

South Dakota Farm

 

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch. The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too."

 

The Wedding Dress

 

Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Opposites

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure! There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

A Drunk on the Bus

 

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

 

The Talk

 

A father decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds and the bees". "I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me.  Please!" Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the 'there’s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there’s no Easter bunny' speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and bees I don't know what I will do!"

Sunday Paper

 

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.  "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

 

Dad Joke

 

You really should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing.

Today’s Though

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...You know what, never mind. It’s fine.

Friday's Funnies

 Tax Sayings

- For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.

- Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the exact same way.

- Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.

- Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.

- They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Farmer

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The farmer is suitably impressed and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says, “What's that noise?”

Math Dyslexia

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out. "Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia." The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad." "Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

Useful Words That Ought To Exist

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos.
3) Crummox - Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

Medical Problem

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

Confused

I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Crazy In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
2. Ask people to call you "Captain."
3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting for your document.
5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
7. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
8. Send email messages saying "free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Thank Goodness!

You have 2 minutes to live but every time you breathe it resets the timer.

 

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

- Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

- Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

- Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

- Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

- Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

- I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Dad Joke

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.

Today’s Thought

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?