Friday's Funnies

Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?

Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

4. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

5. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."  A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

Did you know…?

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

One Solution

My daughter couldn't muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick." "If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it?" "Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."

Attractive

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question intended as a followup on the previous day's lesson: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Top 9 Signs You’re At A Bad Baptism Service

9. The Coast Guard is involved.

8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

7. Pastor wears scuba gear.

6. As the baptism begins, the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

Natural Selection of M&M'S

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.  Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.  When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. Send it along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."  This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.  There can be only one.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Today’s Thought

One reason it's so hard to save money is that our neighbors are always buying something we can't afford.

Friday's Funnies

Fast Food

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."  The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Fun Voicemail Messages

~ Hi. Now you say something.

~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

~ Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

~ I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

~ Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Travel Plans to consider...

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.  I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.  I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often these days.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!  I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Mother's Dictionary

• Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too.
• Defense: What you'd better have aroun' de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
• Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• Look Out!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
• Prepared Childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
• Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
• Temper Tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
• Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
• Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• Verbal: Able to whine in words.
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Friday's Funnies

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (backwash).
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person — period!
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"
#1 thing that moms REALLY want is..... More loving, quality time with the kids she wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Real Mothers...

• Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
• Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
• Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
• Real Mothers know that dried Play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
• Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
• Real Mothers sometimes ask, "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "Because I love you best."
• Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

Shopping Plan

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child: "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

Hamster Care

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.  One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"  After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Love Campaign

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.  He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.  Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

Preacher's Best Years

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.  Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"  The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.  Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"  The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.  After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Camp System

A loaded minivan pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.  A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."  The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Measurements

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.  Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.  The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."  While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.   When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Today’s Thought

If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

Friday's Funnies

Problem Solved

Last year I entered the Cal State marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied: "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

The Wedding Singers

Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her playing the organ and him singing. During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He said he had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."

The Blind

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind." Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table. "Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Light Bulb

Q: How many members of the President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?

A: Nine

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of the President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the President was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

Five Real-Life Dimwits

·         AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

·         Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

·         An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

·         A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

·         Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

OXYMORONS

(contradictory words)

Almost exactly          

Alone together

Awful good

Clearly misunderstood  

Definite maybe         

Dodge Ram

Exact estimate         

Extinct life

Found missing    

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Jumbo shrimp

Large minority

Living dead

Near miss

New classic            

Now, then...

Passive aggression     

Plastic glasses        

Plastic silverware

Pretty ugly             

Random order

Same difference

Silent scream

Taped live

Terribly pleased

Tight slacks

Virtual reality

Wicked good

Working vacation

Friday's Funnies

Day Three

My Sunday school class of kindergartners was studying the Bible's creation account. After several weeks, we were ready to review. "What did God make the first day?" I quizzed. "The second day?" They answered both questions correctly. "And what happened on the third day?" I asked. One little child, face shining with enthusiasm, exclaimed, "He rose from the dead!"

Tax Return

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.  "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"  "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."  "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

Palm Sunday

Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"

Tax Office

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.  "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.  "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes!'"

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Responsible

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Getting Old

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.   'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to fit for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Today’s Thought for Easter & Tax Day

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

Friday's Funnies

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."

A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out...

~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."

~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."

~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."

~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."

~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse."

~ A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."

Returns

"I don't like to bring this up," said the Doctor, "but that check of yours came back." "I don't like to mention this, either, Doc," said the patient, "but so did my ailment."

Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points."  "Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That’s certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that"s good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."  "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

- you think your computer looks better without the cover.

- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- the salespeople at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are.

- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Punished?

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

Today’s Thought

A new government study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Friday's Funnies

Here's Wisdom

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

Religious Horse

A preacher was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is 'Praise the Lord,' and stop is 'Amen.'"  So the man gets on the horse and says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"  The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.  The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"

Diet

Just saw a little blurb mentioning a "plant-based" diet and realized that most of my food comes from plants --specifically Hostess, Frito-Lay, whoever makes Cap'n Crunch, Hershey's, etc., etc.

Meteorologically Speaking

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m."  She got the job.

Copycat

A man in a hurry, taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mrs. Smith

"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"  "I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Today’s Thought

Inflation hasn't ruined everything...A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.